Sit With You In The Dark

 

The snow falls and the darkness descends on yet another day. Christmas is over, this year is nearly over, and for the first time in my memory, I find myself not looking forward to the coming year. Afraid that if I get my hopes up it will jinx any hope of brighter days. I came into this year believing it would be a year of change, a year of truth, a year of opened eyes and new hope. And in a lot of ways it has. And I held onto that hope, even as it became a mere thread in my fingers. But it becomes exhausting clinging to a thread. Your hands cramping, your heart jumping every time you think you’ve lost hold. But I tried time and time again to put a smile on my face and pretend everything was ok, urging my light to shine brighter for those around me because I knew that they had it worse than I did. They needed my light and positivity more than I did. I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t deserve to even let my light flicker because I had it better than most. But that didn’t make my challenges any less real.

You know that saying “the grass is always greener”? Well, as it turns out, it works both ways. Just as you shouldn’t always be comparing your lawn to someone else’s greener and seemingly better one, you shouldn’t compare it to a browner and seemingly worse one either. Always reminding yourself that at least you’re better off than someone else isn’t helpful. There will always be someone who’s got it worse no matter what the circumstance. And if no one was allowed to be upset unless there was no one else who had it worse than them then we would all have to be happy all the time. And you know as well as I do that, not only is that impossible, it’s also not fair. It disvalues your feelings and challenges when they are just as valid as anyone else’s. Because it’s ok to be upset. It’s ok to realize that something that’s easy for others may be the biggest challenge of your life for you. It’s ok to let your light flicker and just sit in the dark sometimes.

I have always been seen as the ray of sunshine, the positive one when things are falling apart, the one who’s always got a smile. I’m realizing that that’s a huge expectation to live up to. I’m not always going to be positive and there are things that are harder for me than for others. I have things I struggle with just as much as anyone else. I can’t be a light for everyone all the time and it isn’t fair to expect me to be. The harder I push to make my light shine, the harder it is to be genuinely happy. It turns into just a front. An act. And it’s exhausting. Especially in a year that just keeps hitting you when you’re down, as I know it’s done for every one of you too.

So as this year comes to a close, please take a moment to reflect. Reflect on how you’re feeling because your feelings are valid. Your challenges matter. You can’t just ignore them. Take a moment to reflect on who you’ve been relying on for their light and who’s been relying on you. If you can’t hold them up right now because you too lack the strength to stand, be honest. Be honest with them and yourself because a fire out of wood won’t burn for long. And if you’ve been leaning on someone, make sure they are ok too. Because even though they look like they’re always burning bright and therefore must be just fine, chances are they’re almost out of fuel and they feel as I do. Afraid of leaving you in the dark so much that they convince themselves their own challenges are small and unimportant in comparison to yours, even as their flame is suffocating in a lack of oxygen.

Sometimes we can’t be the light for each other. Sometimes we can’t be the one to add to their flame because our own flame is flickering too low. And that’s ok. It’s ok if instead of encouraging each other you simply acknowledge that you are both struggling and just sit beside each other so you know you’re not alone. Because sometimes, sometimes it’s enough to just sit with each other in the dark.

 

"When you can't look on the bright side, I will sit with you in the dark" ~ Unknown

Photo By Emma

Make America Rake Again

 

The other day I was helping a friend of mine rake his lawn. We had put it off because life had gotten crazy and schedules just weren’t matching up, but it was important to get the job done before the snow fell or it would kill the grass. So there we were, the day after the 2020 presidential election, raking the mountains of leaves that had piled up. Some of the trees were still green, so we knew we would probably have to do it again, but it would make the job much easier if we got it started now.

As we raked we were discussing politics (it was the day after the election, what else would we be talking about?) and suddenly he gets this huge smile on his face like he’d thought of something really cleaver and goes “You know what we’re doing? We’re making America Great Again,” I looked at him skeptically, trying to figure out what he meant by that, all we were doing was raking his lawn, “by raking?” I asked with a laugh “Make America Rake Again,” I joked. He informed me that if one of the candidates had that slogan he’d definitely vote for them.

It was just a joke, a play on the already used slogan, but as I raked I started thinking about it. Make America Rake Again… What would a slogan like that actually mean? Well, it would mean taking on the work yourself. It takes the pressure off of the government to do the work and literally puts it on the American people, in my opinion, just as it should be. The government is there to protect, not to live our lives for us. Not to clean up our lawn or take out the trash. Not to make our life easier, just make our life safer. We need to put in the work ourselves to make the country we want to live in. And part of that is electing leaders who we believe will hold those same values, but that is certainly not all of it.

Another thought that came to mind is that, while it’s important to look at the big picture and want to see change all throughout the country, or even just your state, where it starts is right where you are. It starts in your own neighborhood, your own town, your own yard. As we raked and mowed the lawn we watched as at least three other people followed suit. They saw us taking care of our own little piece of the country and decided it might be a good idea to take care of their own. That happens with everything. You give someone a smile, they are bound to see it and smile at someone else. You’re mean to someone, they will likely then take out that hurt on someone else. The more good and hard work we put into the world, the more it spreads.

And the job is never over! The slogan doesn’t end at the end of the election, it has to continue. We have to keep working to keep our country free (literally, and of leaves) and beautiful. More leaves will fall and we’ll have to clean them up all over again, but the job is easier if you keep doing a little over time rather than all at once. And if we don’t clean up those dead leaves, just let them keep piling up, then the grass and plants beneath them will suffocate, causing death and decay. If we let the problems sit around, waiting for someone else (the government) to deal with them, we will just end up buried beneath the leaves.

“So what’s your health plan?” he asks after we’ve amused ourselves with this hypothetical presidential run for a while. “Well, if people are raking then they’re healthy” I say, stating the obvious first. If you are taking time to literally rake, aka exercise, then you will be healthier. And if you’re cleaning up your piece of the world, you’ll feel better. And if you’re letting that light spread, you will feel better mentally too. Getting back to work and having a purpose makes all the difference in living a healthy lifestyle.

We can’t expect other people, the government, our president, to do it for us. We’ve got to rake our own lawns, take care of our own bodies, our own families, our own space, and our own communities. The desire to do good for ourselves and those around us will spread and soon our country will grow and flourish, little by little. We’ll clean up the dead leaves and make way for the new growth. So go Make America Rake Again. It’s time to take the cleanliness of our country into our own hands.

 

Costumes And Characters: Dragon

 

A dragon. A fierce, fire breathing, elegant, strong creature known to inspire the imagination and bring both admiration and fear to those lucky enough to see one. Why is a dragon this year’s character outlining the chapters of my life? Well, for anyone who’s been keeping up on my Costumes And Characters  posts, you may realize that this is actually a continuation of another character from a couple years back. The Enchantress.

The Enchantress is a quiet, brave, caring, smart, strong, but broken lady who, you guessed it, likes to turn into a dragon. So the dragon character is not all that different then Crystal the Enchantress, as they are the same being after all. But that is kind of the point of this whole series is it not? Realizing that I am also every one of these characters? So, why am I a dragon now?

This year has been hard on everyone. And that is not even an exaggeration. Life just keeps kicking us while we’re already down. I can’t even begin to write a list of all the ways life just keeps throwing flaming arrows at me and those around me. I’ve been calling “plot twist!” a bit too often these days… For some, they have let themselves get bruised and bloody, taking hit after hit. Others turn to anger and try to use it as a way to strike back, but you can’t be in a sword fight without also getting stabbed. But some, some choose instead to put on their armor to protect what is inside so they can be brave and strong despite the battle that is 2020. Much like a dragons hard scales are meant to protect.

For a while I was letting myself get bloody and beaten, then I turned to anger for a while, but now I realize I need to protect what is inside me before I worry about the problems of the world. I need to build up armor around my faith, around my heart, around my mind. And let the fire of the Holy Spirit build up its embers inside me. Only then, when I am protected with the armor of God, armed with the fire of the Holy Spirit, can I face the battle with confidence. Just as a dragon flies into battle, knowing its scales and fire will protect it from the enemy.

I may not be ready to take off in flight just yet, but I am stretching my wings and building up my armor. I will fight this battle with truth, with love, with faith, with all the tools God gives me to fight the enemies flaming arrows. And I encourage you to do the same. This dragon will be ready to fly soon, knowing her God is protecting her, fighting right alongside her. A fierce, graceful, strong creature, ready to take on the world with a fire burning in her heart.

Unconditional Love

“I love you” three words that can mean so much but, sometimes, mean nothing. They can hold all the significance in the world, or be a hollow shell meant to deceive and prove a devotion that simply isn’t there. Love, real unconditional love, is nearly impossible to find these days. Love isn’t, I’d be surprised if I came across a person who never loved a single person in their life. But I’m talking real love, unconditional love. Love without conditions. Hence the term, “unconditional.”

So what is unconditional love? It’s love that isn’t based on behavior, actions, or words. Love that is there no matter how we feel about someone at this particular moment. No matter how many times they screw up or hurt us. Even if you don’t agree with their choices or who they hang out with, you still love them. No question. Of course that doesn’t mean you have to stop pointing them in the right direction, and it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be hurt when they refuse, it also doesn’t mean that you can’t give them space if they hurt you (especially if God is telling you to do so, it’s ok to love from a distance sometimes) but it does mean you love them regardless. And make sure they know you love them.

So why do I say this doesn’t exist as much as it should? Because how many times have you heard people devote their lives to each other only to split ways a few months later over some stupid argument? How many times do you hear about a kid equating their parents love to their good grades? How many times have you been guilty of telling someone you loved them, only to realize you didn’t after they did something stupid? How many times have we given each other ultimatums? Conditions for our “unconditional” love? How many of us are guilty of saying “I love you” out of habit, only for the words to become hollow and meaningless? And the more we misuse the word love, the harder it becomes to recognize, and know how to give, the real kind of love. No wonder it’s so hard for people (myself included) to accept God’s love sometimes…

So why is love so common but unconditional love, the love demonstrated to us by God, so rare? It’s because there is a disconnect between the two. A miss-definition if you will. In order to know and show true love, you must first understand Gods love. So what is love? It’s often described as a feeling, usually reserved for family or a romantic relationship. But God’s love isn’t just a fleeting feeling. God IS Love. If God can physically BE love then it can’t just be a feeling because feelings come and go. God’s love never leaves us. So if God’s love isn’t a feeling, what is it? God is love. It’s a part of him. It’s a lifestyle. And if something is a part of you it doesn’t just go away. And if God is love, and we are created in his image, then love must also be a part of us right?

In my experience I have always loved people, most would say deeper then I should. I’ve gotten hurt on multiple occasions because of it yet I keep diving headfirst into more relationships. Even after I promise myself I won’t let myself get hurt like that again… So why do I do it? Because it’s become a part of me rather than just a passing feeling. I can’t not love. I can be frustrated, or disappointed, or even really not like someone’s actions, but I can’t make my heart stop loving them. I’ve let God take over and trust that he will protect my heart while still allowing me to love, fully love, the people he puts in my life.

So how do we tap into that? How do we switch our definition of love over to Gods definition of love? I believe God has called us to love all of his people. No matter what. Unconditionally. And I think in order to fully grasp the concept of Unconditional love, God’s love, we have to pull away from the notion that love is just a feeling and a word. We have to redirect our thinking and realize love is an action, love is a lifestyle, love is God. Love is a part of us, not just something we say or feel. God loves us unconditionally, right where we’re at, so I will continue to love his people the only way I know how. No conditions attached. 

Start a conversation! How would you describe unconditional love? Have you ever experienced it? Do you have any suggestions on how to live it? How to make it a lifestyle rather than just a word? Please share! And if you like what you're reading, please share my blog and go like my writing page on Facebook at Jessica Page.

Team Smile

We had just finished swim lessons for the day and all the kids had run off down the beach, leaving us to clean up on our own. It was a group of three of us, myself and two amazing ladies, teaching swim lessons to the island kids in Roatan. As we smiled away at the successful lesson, and the joy of having the opportunity to do what we were doing, one of the ladies dubbed us with the name “Team Smile” and that’s what we called ourselves for the remainder of the trip. 

I have always known the power of a smile. I try to smile to anyone I pass on the street, to my friends and family as much as possible, and I try to make others smile. Smiles are contagious and they spread positivity and good feelings like wild fire. And the best smiles? The ones that come with the joy only God can give. When you’re right where you’re supposed to be, doing exactly what you’re supposed to be doing like my “Team Smile” was doing with those kids that day. 

Today (6/15/20) is Smile Power Day. Though I try to show the power of a smile every day, this is a day where I try to remind people to make someone smile. To spread the joyful power to all around them. Only… a conversation I had with my mom the other day keeps popping into my mind. We can’t see anyone’s smile right now. With everyone wearing masks it makes smiling almost… pointless… It takes away the power. Literally covers it up. It makes passing someone in the isle of the grocery store so… impersonal… it disconnects us from the people around us to such an extent that I think we are all feeling the effects but can’t quite explain why. But we can’t let that stop us! 

I encourage you to share a smile with someone today and every day. Get creative, make someone smile even if you can’t see it and they can’t see yours. Create your own Team Smile by spreading the joy. A Smile is a powerful thing, far too powerful to hide away!

Same Storm, Different Boat

I’ve been putting off writing a blog post about our current situation for a while now. Honestly, I don’t even know where to begin. I guess all I can really do is start with the truth. I think a post I saw the other day kind of sums it up quite nicely. 

We’re all in the same storm, but we’re not all in the same boat.

It all started while I was still in Roatan Honduras. My trip hadn’t even officially come to an end yet. I still had a week left before I was supposed to leave when the news started coming in that there was a problem. I had been completely oblivious to the whole thing. I was on an island, right where I was supposed to be, doing what I was supposed to be doing, having one of the greatest adventures of my life. Why would I watch the news?

I had a mental breakdown the week I left. If any of you remember my Costumes And Characters posts from a while back, the Mad Hatter in me has grown in the last few years, and not in a good way. When I get overwhelmed I start shutting down. I get overly emotional on one extreme or another; anger, sadness, giggly for no apparent reason, and I can switch from one to another at the drop of a hat (pun intended) It can be really exhausting actually… I’ll spare you the details of this particular mental breakdown.

So, I made it home. I’m still not sure if coming back to the states when I did was the right decision, but after self destructing in the airport and threatening (under the guise of joking) to get off the plane, there was no going back. I was leaving my new island home and island family behind, not knowing when or if I would ever see either again. And that, on top of everything else that was going on, was not sitting well with me once I made it back to my home in Central NY.

“What is the purpose of today?” Quickly became a recurring question. Was there anything I could do today that would help someone? Could I be the support my friends and family truly needed when we were so far away? Why bother getting dressed if I wasn’t going anywhere? Why does it keep snowing? If I didn’t get back to work or on unemployment would I ever be able to fix my car? Why was I even getting out of bed?  And why does everything hurt?

My muscles hurt from the sudden lack of exercise and drastic change in climate and my head from the changing weather and constant worry. My mind hurt from the mental strain of being stuck in my own head, worrying if I missed out on a once in a lifetime opportunity by not staying but, at the same time, knowing there was nothing I could do about it. And my heart hurt from leaving loved ones behind and not being able to see anyone once I got here either. And my emotions were doing back flips again from not being able to do anything about any of it. And if I was in this much pain while having a roof over my head and food on the table, how were people who do have serious mental problems coping with this?

Usually I only have what I call a Mad Hatter level breakdown once or maybe twice a year, and only when I’m not careful to catch it and slow it down fast enough. But at the rate my mental health was dropping I was beginning to fear two in a matter of months, and I didn’t want to know what it would take to recover from something like that. Being suddenly cut off from what my life had been for the past three month on the island, plus the lack of social interaction and any sense of “normal” once I got home, was wearing on me. HARD. None of my normal ways of coping and slowing it down were an option. Usually I would go for a swim, or visit a friend, go shopping, or go for a walk. None of those options, for one reason or another, were possible. I was stuck in my house, left to find company within my own mind, which is not somewhere I want to be when headed towards a mental breakdown as it only speeds up the process. Thankfully I occasionally had my family to distract me from myself, I couldn’t imagine what would happen if I was living on my own, I’d go mad.

My mental health may not have taken quite as hard of a hit if I had stayed on the island. I could’ve gone swimming, and seen the sunset every night, and pretended everything was ok in that Island Ignorance is Bliss kind of way. I could have handed out food and helped those in need. I probably would be a lot further in this book I’m supposed to be writing instead of hitting a total mental block. But I’m not. I’m here. Doing what I can to help and praying that God will use me right where I’m at.

It’s taken a while. A solid month at least. There are still good days and bad days and some really bad days, and I won’t rule out a total Mad Hatter breakdown just yet, but I think I’m finally beyond the worst of it. Thanks to God, my sister, and a few close friends. I don’t really know what my point in writing this is. Perhaps it’s to help people realize that everyone is handling this differently. We’re all in different boats. For some it’s a much needed vacation and family time. For some it’s life as normal as they continue to go to work or are retired. For some the fear of not being able to feed their families far outweighs the fear of the virus. For some, the isolation is their worst nightmare come true. For some, seeing people in need and not being able to give them a hug is the worst pain they could imagine. For some, the virus in their own mind is worse then the one we’re all afraid of.

So what is the purpose of today? To be sensitive. To be supportive. To be there in whatever way you can. To be kind. To be a light in the darkness. To be at peace knowing God is in control, and to share that peace, no mater how your situation compares with someone else’s. We’re all in the same storm, but we’re in different boats. Let’s try not to splash more water into someone else’s as we try to bail out our own.

Brothers and Sisters

I’ve always said that the best gift you could ever give a child is a sibling. My sister actually used to call an Only Child a Lonely Child, I believe it started as an accident but it stuck. And I think it’s true. I couldn’t imagine life without my sister. We grew up together, literally every minute of every day. We were homeschooled so there really was no escaping each other. Sometimes that leads to fighting, of course, but we always figure it out and end up stronger because of it. We have inside jokes that go back years, we know each other’s likes and dislikes like they’re our own, we can have whole conversations across the room without saying a word, we know when the other is upset and usually know just how to fix it. I could never imagine life without my sister, but I never thought I would need a brother too…

I wasn’t blessed with a brother by normal means. My parents didn’t have another kid, we didn’t adopt, there was no half-brother situation happening. But yet, over my life, I have ended up with a handful of guys I would consider my brothers. Friends or family friends who became so close we became like siblings. Now, I’m glad I didn’t grow up with them, I think that would have driven me nuts, but I am glad I have them now. Just because God blessed me with a sister doesn’t mean I don’t need a brother too. And honestly, I’m starting to think this world would make a lot more sense if every guy had a sister and every girl a brother. Blood relation or not. We can learn a lot from each other and I don’t think it all has to happen (or should) in a romantic setting. 

Guys are always complaining about how complicated girls are, but if they had a sister they might have a better chance of figuring them out. Girls (including myself) complain about how annoying guys are, but maybe if they had a brother they would find they have a little more patience for it. I was homeschooled and only had a sister, so when it came to guys I was kind of lost. I got frustrated easily (and still do sometimes) and just didn’t understand how to deal with guys, let alone actually be friends with them or think about marrying one. But then I started having sibling relationships with a few guys and I realized having a sibling of the opposite gender might actually help prepare you for a romantic relationship, or any relationship really, later on. 

I had the honor of spending a lot of time with a friend recently. He was in Roatan with me for the winter and at the beginning we were just friends, but by the end not only had we started calling each other brother and sister, our friends had started to call us that too. I had never really had a brother before, not one who I had the opportunity to spend so much time with. So I really took advantage of this chance to have a brother. We goofed off quite a bit with several splashing fights and teasing each other constantly. But it wasn’t all just teasing each other; we also learned a lot about each other and grew really close. We looked out for each other, he protected me and made sure I was safe and, in turn, I did my best to help him in any way I could. 

In all my brotherly relationships I have learned that having a brother or sister, or a sibling in general, can really force you to care about someone else’s safety over your own. It can cause you to think about someone else’s happiness without necessarily expecting some “reward” at the end of winning their affections as a boyfriend or girlfriend. It forces us to remove the mask we put on to impress a potential boyfriend or girlfriend and just be ourselves. And learning how to be ourselves with the opposite gender can be a huge step in truly being ourselves with our future spouse. And my personal favorite, picking their brain about any given dilemma (especially if it involves another guy) so I can come at my issues from a different perspective. It forces us to realize guys think differently than girls do and in order to truly understand each other we need to take the time to really listen instead of just hear. All of my brotherly relationships have helped me get a better idea of how to interact with a guy. Get a better idea of how they think and how their brain works vs. mine (because they are different). And every one of them has definitely helped me work on my patience…

I have the best sister in the world and I wouldn’t trade her for anything. But there is definitely something to be said for a protective brother’s hug when it feels like the world is falling apart. A brother looking out for you when he thinks you could be in trouble. A brother to goof around with. A guy to talk to without constantly worrying about whether he likes me or not. And I think sometimes a guy definitely needs a sister to kick him in the right direction every once in a while (lovingly of course) and show him love without it being romantic. And I think we all need someone who we know isn’t going anywhere even if we screw up, because we all screw up. I thank God for my sister (and my sisters not by blood as well, I have several of them too) and my brothers. I would not be who I am without them. Maybe it’s time every brother had a sister and every sister had a brother…

Apocalist

What would you do if you only had eight months left on this earth? Strange question, I know, especially considering recent events; but it’s something I’ve been thinking a lot about recently. What would I do if I only had a few months left? If tomorrow wasn’t promised? Which it’s not. We don’t know what tomorrow will bring. We don’t know what the next second will bring let alone next year. So why do we pretend we do? And why don’t we take advantage of every second we have? 

I’ve been watching this show called No Tomorrow and it’s about just that. This guy has this theory that an asteroid is going to collide with earth in eight months. So he writes what he calls an “Apocalist” which is a list of all the things he wants to do before the earth explodes. A bucket-list of sorts. Some of the things are downright absurd, like breaking stuff for no reason; some are real things, like talking to his father who he had fallen out with. He makes it a mission to seize every day and encourage others to do the same.

This attitude is one I’ve strived for in the past but also struggle with daily, especially recently. I have just returned from an amazing adventure in another country full of exciting new things and challenges. I thought I would be able to keep that exciting momentum going once I got home, but my body had other plans as stress caught up with me from all that has been going on in the world lately. But that’s no reason to stop! My mind is racing with all the things I want to do, ready for the next adventure. Just because I can’t do it right this moment doesn’t mean I shouldn’t plan for it.

This world is full of things I haven’t seen or done. Full of places I want to go, things I want to do, adventures I want to have, and maybe a regret or two I want to fix. And I know you probably can say the same. So what are you waiting for? What am I waiting for? Before we know it, it could be too late. I’m going to write my own version of an “Apocolist” and I hope you will join me in doing so. We may not be able to cross off the travel related goals for a while, like trips to see the northern lights, or Paris, or a road trip across the country, or to an island in the Caribbean; but I’m sure we’ve all got other things that we can cross off. Like finally cleaning that room you’ve been meaning to, or finally read that book, or write that book, or talk to that person you’ve been avoiding but know you should talk to, or work on that catio you’ve been promising your cat for two years… Life is short. Tomorrow isn’t promised. What good is this amazing life we’ve been blessed with if we aren’t going to live it?

What’s on your list?

A Gem In The Mud

“You can’t change him” my sister said to me “I don’t want to change him” I said, knowing full well it’s impossible to change anyone anyway “I want to find him,” I said, surprised by my own words. But I quickly realized it was true. I didn’t want to change him; I didn’t want to change anyone. I wanted to find who they already were, deep inside, and pull it out for all to see. Wipe off the years of caked on mud and dirt and find the gem of a person God had created.

I have this funny way of being able to see who God created someone to be. Beneath the dirt and grime I can see the gem inside. Perhaps I will write another post going deeper into that at some point. Anyway… So there I was, thinking about how I know, deep in my heart, who this friend of mine was supposed to be. Who God had called him to be and how amazing his life will be in the future. How he was a gem, a true “diamond in the rough” if you will (yes, shameless Aladdin reference there… I’m a Disney freak what can I say?) And I realized we all are just that…

Every single one of us is a gem; hidden beneath a pile of rock, and dirt, and mud of our own creation. We have put up walls and found ways to distract ourselves from what hurts us instead of facing it and growing stronger from it. We all have those bad habits and dark pasts that build up around us, making it harder to find our true selves amidst the mud. We all have created fake personalities to feel less vulnerable. But the real us is in there somewhere. It’s a gem lost inside the mess.

So no, I don’t want to change anyone. I don’t want to change my friend. It’s impossible to truly change someone anyway. Only God can do that, and even then all he’s doing is exposing the gem he had already placed within. But I do want to help find that gem. I want to help chip away that dirt and grime, the bad habits and fake personalities, scrape away the dirt of the past and find the real gem beneath it all. Because we are all gems, just waiting to be dug out, cleaned off, and made to shine as we are meant to.

New Coat Of Paint

Worship music filling the house, paint cans and brushes scattered over the floor, concentrating as I guide the brush along the trim, covering the old with the new. A friend of mine had just acquired a house that she could call her own. Her excitement was contagious and she invited me over to help her with some painting. The house was in desperate need of some work, new door, patching some holes, a paint job. So after she had sanded it down and fixed a few things she was ready to paint. And I was itching to do just that.

I had been getting overwhelmed and a bit stressed out with a bit too much flexibility for my liking. I knew I needed a bit of a break, something I could control, something normal. We were singing along to the Christian music, talking about what music festivals we had been to, when I realized this was just what I needed. I needed a new coat of paint. I watched as the fresh creamy white paint covered the old brown wood, giving it new life, and realized what a difference a new coat of paint can make. Sure the door still needed to be fixed, there was no oven, no furniture, but with the fresh paint the house looked so inviting. 

There are days when I feel so bright and fresh and ready to do Gods work, but there are other days when I’m just so worn out and tired, frustrated and stressed from simply living life from day to day. My paint gets worn down by being beat up or simply not being refreshed often enough. I refuse to slow down and take a break, but sometimes we need to stop and let God give us a paint job.

I wasn’t exactly planning on painting, and I certainly didn’t know it would be God’s way of giving me a much needed break. I find it relaxing to paint trim, careful not to get the paint where it’s not supposed to be; being precise. And just allowing myself to be in His presence, singing out about his love and not caring whether I’m on key or not, works wonders on my mental health. God was repainting me today. He was stripping away my burdens and just letting me feel his love, refreshing my heart. Painting my face with a smile and my soul with a brightness that leaves others wondering just why that girl’s so full of life. I’m ready to face the days ahead with a new coat of paint, are you?

Don't Need To Be Drunk To Dance

I was at the bar waiting for some live music to start. The bar tender is a friend of mine and he makes me special drinks; no alcohol, usually something fruity, I let him use his imagination. Of course I was expecting the conversation that came next from the guy sitting next to me “you don’t drink?” Ah… no… I don’t. Why do they always have to make it sound like I’m a unicorn or something? It’s not unheard of you know. I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve had the same conversation. They think it’s crazy that I don’t drink in the first place, but don’t drink and I’m out at a bar? Looking to have a fun time dancing to some live music? Unheard of.

I was giggly and having a fun time and the other bartender asked what I had been drinking, knowing full well it was a non-alcoholic drink. He was kidding, but so many people aren’t. Why do they always make the assumption that just because someone doesn’t drink they don’t know how to have a good time? Just last night another guy made the assumption that if I didn’t drink I also wasn’t a “party girl.” No, I wouldn’t consider myself a “party girl” but I certainly appreciate a good party.

As those back at home know, I like to dance. Ironically, more often than not, I’m the only one dancing at a bar full of people who had been drinking. I get a high from the music pulsing through me and I get drunk on the excitement of friends and fun. Why make it so I don’t remember any of it in the morning? What’s the point of that? I have been to plenty of parties and events where there was no drinking and we all had a fantastic time. There was even one alcohol free music festival where the crowd got so crazy there was a mosh pit! Now they knew how to have a good time without any alcohol! 

You don’t need to be drunk to have fun. You don’t have to be high to have a good time. I know I will probably have this same conversation hundreds of times over, but that won’t stop me from going out anyway. If there’s some good music and good company, I’ll be found on the dance floor with the rest of them. I just might have a higher chance of remembering it in the morning.

(I’m not against drinking, I just choose not to)

Real Job

Real job… what is a “real job” anyway? I mean, does flipping burgers at a fast food restaurant count as a real job? Or is a “real job” being labeled with something considered important like a Doctor, a Therapist, or a Teacher? But what if a “real job” is defined by how much money you make? There are doctors, therapists, and teachers who find themselves not making much money at all, do they still qualify as having a “real job” simply because of the title? Or is a “real job” something you have to go to college for? Because if that’s the case, as I mention in my earlier post The College Question, there are several necessary jobs that don’t require going to college and some of them pay quite well. So what is it? What is it that makes one job a “real job” versus another that’s considered a waste of time or a stepping stone to the real thing? 

When someone asks when I’m going to get a “real job” what they don’t understand is that I do, in fact, have a real job. It just might not meet their qualifications of what a “real Job” is which, as mentioned above, I still don’t know what would even qualify anyway… I am a swim instructor. I am also a writer, the House Keeping Manager at a Victorian Bed & Breakfast, I freehand crochet little animals, and I help clean and organize for several people. For the purpose of this blog post I will focus on my being a swim instructor. It is my most steady job, as it was my first job, and I am still doing it several years later and don’t plan to stop anytime soon.

To be a swim instructor I didn’t need to go to college, but I did have to take a course (while going to college.) I don’t have to go to school for years on end, but to be good at my job I have to keep learning new ways to teach year after year. There may have been times I didn’t have consistent work, but everyone I know has been out of work at one time or another. I may not get paid a ton, but, once I found someone to work for who pays me what I’m worth, I get paid quite well for something I enjoy doing and the time I put into it. I’m not a teacher, a doctor, or a therapist, often times I’m all three at once. 

Like a teacher I have to make lesson plans, deal with trouble students, or change my whole plan because that one kid who never pays attention is actually focused today so we’re covering as much as possible. With a normal three hour block of lessons I could be teaching as many as 50 plus kids in one night in three or more different levels and actually remember all of their names, what they’re good at, and what they need work on. I can keep a whole class of 7-12 year old's under control by myself. And every single one of those kids learns differently and I need to know how to modify my teaching to accommodate them.

In addition to being a swim instructor I am also a lifeguard, something else I had to take a class for and keep my certification up to date. In being a lifeguard I am certified in first aid and CPR and need to know how to help someone if they have a problem in the water. Thankfully I haven’t had to deal with any more than a few scrapes or a bumped head when a kid wasn’t paying attention to where they were going, but I am trained in what to do if there is a problem.

While teaching kids how to swim you would be amazed how many times I had to play therapist rather than swim instructor. Figuring out new ways to get them excited about swimming rather than scared, figuring out why they are afraid and helping them through it. One kid actually, quite by accident, called me his Life Coach once (you may remember I wrote a blog post about it) and it certainly is the case quite often. But it applies more so to when I teach adults and autistic kids. Adults who don’t know how to swim are usually afraid of the water for some reason and sometimes it takes a lot of digging, encouragement, and patience to get to the bottom of the issue. Autistic kids usually just need help getting out of their own way. I am happy to say I’ve had more success than failures with both challenges. 

I don’t know if my job qualifies as a “real job” or not. I know it makes me happy, I know it’s a gift God has given me, I know it’s a job God has called me to have. In the end that’s all that really matters isn’t it? In the end I don’t really have a say in the matter anyway, it’s what God is calling me to do so I do it. God doesn’t call us all to have “real jobs,” some of us are called to be the writers, the artists, the swim instructors. And that’s ok. It is for me anyway. So no, I don’t have a “real job” I have many. And I will do my best to glorify God while doing every single one of them to the best of my ability. That, my friends, is what our Real Job is after all, regardless of the pay or the job title.

Match Maker

“You should marry that boy!” Or… “You two would be so good together!” Or my personal favorite… “But you two are such good friends!” I feel like every girl (and guy) I’ve talked to has, at one point or another, had someone try to set them up. Someone gets it in their head that it’s their job to play Match Maker and try way too hard to push two hearts together. I have definitely been one of the two hearts several times. Most of the times (thank goodness) they guy and I have managed to stay friends without everything getting weird (or rather, staying weird… Things are bound to get weird when match making meddling starts going on). But I have heard of so many other times with other people where the match making put such a strain on the relationship that instead of getting together, everything, including their friendship, fell apart.

If you’ve been following my blog at all you already know that I am a Christian. And as a Christian I believe God has a guy for me, I just haven’t met him yet (or if I have, God hasn’t shown me he’s the one yet) so when people try to set me up with a guy I find myself getting frustrated. It’s hard enough for me to slow down and make sure I’m doing what God wants with the rest of my life, it’s even harder when my friends or mentors are trying to push me towards some guy who may or may not be the right one for me. When I date a guy I’m dating for marriage, a God centered marriage. That doesn’t work if I’m distracted by some guy someone set me up with and miss the one God actually has for me.

I have a lot of guy friends now that I’ve learned to direct my friendship in the direction God wants no matter what anyone else thinks. I don’t care if you think we’d be good together, only God can decide if we will actually work together. I have guy friends who, yea, we do work well together, but as friends. Not in a marriage. I can talk myself into a lot of things, so if a friend starts trying to convince me that this one guy is right for me, that we’d be perfect together, I might actually listen to the friend rather than God. It takes incredible strength on my part to slow down and think about what God wants over what they might think is best.

We’re just friends! Or even better, we’re like brother and sister (I have a few of those and thank God for them every day) More than once I’ve had a guy’s mom try to set me up with her son. It’s not that her sons not a good guy, he’s just not my guy. Why do we keep coming back to this debate on whether or not guys and girls can just be friends? I’ll make it simple; Guys And Girls Can Just Be Friends! That’s it! That doesn’t mean anything is going on, that doesn’t mean anything will ever happen romantically. And that’s ok! I have learned a lot by having guy friends who I consider brothers. It’s totally ok and actually healthy to have friends of the opposite gender. It helps us learn and grow and become who God wants us to be. So yes, we are really good friends, but I want us to stay that way!

I try hard not to play Match Maker. I wish that those around me would try to do the same. I’m just a girl trying to find the right guy; I don’t want to end up with the wrong one just because someone was really good at pushing my heart. As I told a friend a few weeks ago, there is only one who can play Match Maker, the first and only Match Maker, God himself. He is the only one allowed to push my heart. It is only Him who I will listen to when He says “You should marry that boy,”

Artwork concept by me, artwork by Seventh Hall