Same Storm, Different Boat

I’ve been putting off writing a blog post about our current situation for a while now. Honestly, I don’t even know where to begin. I guess all I can really do is start with the truth. I think a post I saw the other day kind of sums it up quite nicely. 

We’re all in the same storm, but we’re not all in the same boat.

It all started while I was still in Roatan Honduras. My trip hadn’t even officially come to an end yet. I still had a week left before I was supposed to leave when the news started coming in that there was a problem. I had been completely oblivious to the whole thing. I was on an island, right where I was supposed to be, doing what I was supposed to be doing, having one of the greatest adventures of my life. Why would I watch the news?

I had a mental breakdown the week I left. If any of you remember my Costumes And Characters posts from a while back, the Mad Hatter in me has grown in the last few years, and not in a good way. When I get overwhelmed I start shutting down. I get overly emotional on one extreme or another; anger, sadness, giggly for no apparent reason, and I can switch from one to another at the drop of a hat (pun intended) It can be really exhausting actually… I’ll spare you the details of this particular mental breakdown.

So, I made it home. I’m still not sure if coming back to the states when I did was the right decision, but after self destructing in the airport and threatening (under the guise of joking) to get off the plane, there was no going back. I was leaving my new island home and island family behind, not knowing when or if I would ever see either again. And that, on top of everything else that was going on, was not sitting well with me once I made it back to my home in Central NY.

“What is the purpose of today?” Quickly became a recurring question. Was there anything I could do today that would help someone? Could I be the support my friends and family truly needed when we were so far away? Why bother getting dressed if I wasn’t going anywhere? Why does it keep snowing? If I didn’t get back to work or on unemployment would I ever be able to fix my car? Why was I even getting out of bed?  And why does everything hurt?

My muscles hurt from the sudden lack of exercise and drastic change in climate and my head from the changing weather and constant worry. My mind hurt from the mental strain of being stuck in my own head, worrying if I missed out on a once in a lifetime opportunity by not staying but, at the same time, knowing there was nothing I could do about it. And my heart hurt from leaving loved ones behind and not being able to see anyone once I got here either. And my emotions were doing back flips again from not being able to do anything about any of it. And if I was in this much pain while having a roof over my head and food on the table, how were people who do have serious mental problems coping with this?

Usually I only have what I call a Mad Hatter level breakdown once or maybe twice a year, and only when I’m not careful to catch it and slow it down fast enough. But at the rate my mental health was dropping I was beginning to fear two in a matter of months, and I didn’t want to know what it would take to recover from something like that. Being suddenly cut off from what my life had been for the past three month on the island, plus the lack of social interaction and any sense of “normal” once I got home, was wearing on me. HARD. None of my normal ways of coping and slowing it down were an option. Usually I would go for a swim, or visit a friend, go shopping, or go for a walk. None of those options, for one reason or another, were possible. I was stuck in my house, left to find company within my own mind, which is not somewhere I want to be when headed towards a mental breakdown as it only speeds up the process. Thankfully I occasionally had my family to distract me from myself, I couldn’t imagine what would happen if I was living on my own, I’d go mad.

My mental health may not have taken quite as hard of a hit if I had stayed on the island. I could’ve gone swimming, and seen the sunset every night, and pretended everything was ok in that Island Ignorance is Bliss kind of way. I could have handed out food and helped those in need. I probably would be a lot further in this book I’m supposed to be writing instead of hitting a total mental block. But I’m not. I’m here. Doing what I can to help and praying that God will use me right where I’m at.

It’s taken a while. A solid month at least. There are still good days and bad days and some really bad days, and I won’t rule out a total Mad Hatter breakdown just yet, but I think I’m finally beyond the worst of it. Thanks to God, my sister, and a few close friends. I don’t really know what my point in writing this is. Perhaps it’s to help people realize that everyone is handling this differently. We’re all in different boats. For some it’s a much needed vacation and family time. For some it’s life as normal as they continue to go to work or are retired. For some the fear of not being able to feed their families far outweighs the fear of the virus. For some, the isolation is their worst nightmare come true. For some, seeing people in need and not being able to give them a hug is the worst pain they could imagine. For some, the virus in their own mind is worse then the one we’re all afraid of.

So what is the purpose of today? To be sensitive. To be supportive. To be there in whatever way you can. To be kind. To be a light in the darkness. To be at peace knowing God is in control, and to share that peace, no mater how your situation compares with someone else’s. We’re all in the same storm, but we’re in different boats. Let’s try not to splash more water into someone else’s as we try to bail out our own.