Mad As A Hatter

My obsession with the Mad Hatter started long ago. I loved watching different interpretations of the Lewis Carrol character and soon started creating my own version. I’d create my own costumes, grow my hat collection, he would find his way into much of my writing, and I’d even have an Alice In Wonderland themed birthday party that was the most elaborate party I think I’ve ever had (I was the Mad Hatter of course) But it wasn’t just a love of the eccentric character that had me intrigued, there was much more going on below the surface.

Around the same time, I found a love for the Mad Hatter I also started having some mental health issues. I didn’t put the two together at the time, and I wouldn’t take my mental health problems seriously until much much later, but I realize now they were connected.

I am autistic, self-diagnosed, but it’s still valid. I had suspected for years but didn’t take it seriously until recently. Looking back, I realize that my mental health issues stem from my autism making college very difficult. School was never very enjoyable for me, but going from homeschooling to college was a challenge. Not academically, I feel being homeschooled really prepared me for that, but socially. And before you go saying “homeschoolers aren’t socialized enough” it wasn’t that either. I had friends, good friends, but none of them came from college. The fake college relationships were where I was having issues. Trying to fit in, being exposed to behaviors that were morally wrong, being surrounded by people who had no intention of creating real lasting relationships. It was all very overwhelming for my autistic mind to handle. What does this all have to do with the Mad Hatter? Well, much like a trip through Wonderland, I promise we’ll get there eventually, it just might take a few twists and turns.

When an autistic person ignores the warning signs their body is putting out it can become a very real problem very quickly. I started having mental breakdowns. Times when I lost control of reality. Maybe I’d cry for no reason, or lose control of my body and end up on the floor without being sure how I got there, or find myself lying on the floor laughing uncontrollably. Sometimes it was scary, sometimes it was a minor inconvenience before moving on to “real life” again, always it was disorienting and confusing. I spent years trying to figure out what caused them, or at least know the signs so I could avoid them. In the midst of all this was when I became obsessed with the Mad Hatter. See? Told you we’d get there.

As my mental health grew… weirder… I couldn’t help but compare myself to the Mad Hatter. I had always been eccentric, especially as a child, I loved hats, his style was much like mine, and I always saw myself as a little strange. I realized later I had been suppressing all that, likely leading to the outbursts, but the only explanation I could come up with for my behavior at the time was… well… I had to ask myself “have I gone mad?” but according to the book “the best people usually are” so I rolled with it and, instead of calling my episodes “mental breakdowns,” I started saying I was “going into Mad Hatter mode.” It seemed appropriate, don’t you think?

Soon my friends knew what I meant when I said I was “going Mad Hatter" and they did their best to help me get through it or, sometimes, avoid it all together. For the most part though, I was on my own and had to learn to just embrace it. It was part of life now. And the Mad Hatter love, and trouble, continued.

Now I know my Mad Hatter mode is when my autistic mind is begging for a break. Its appearance meant I had missed the signs leading up to it and my outbursts were my body literally screaming for stimulation and attention. It was my body asking to be normal, even if my normal was a bit stranger than anyone else’s. I’m doing a better job of listening before it gets that far now, but it is still a work in progress. At least I know I’m not going mad, not completely anyway.

Sometimes I wonder if maybe the Mad Hatter wasn’t truly mad, but just misunderstood, stuck in a world that didn’t understand him for far too long. Perhaps I am more like the Mad Hatter then I realize. When I think about it, my journey through Wonderland really helped me find myself again, helped me get back to that eccentric little girl who disappeared somewhere along the way. The Mad Hatter is certainly inside me now, the good parts and bad. The eccentric style is no longer hidden, my spinning mind is no longer fought against but instead just redirected (for the most part), my love of color and hats of every kind is on full display, and I’m not nearly as afraid to speak my mind and hold to the truth, even if it leads to a solitary life consisting only of my fellow mad tea party friends. The episodes of uncontrollable emotions have slowed down now that I’ve stopped suppressing the eccentric behavior and just let myself be myself. Being the Mad Hatter helped me make sense of a world that doesn’t make sense, a world much like the one the Mad Hatter tells us of.

"There is a place, like no place on earth. A land full of wonder, mystery, and danger. Some say, to survive it, you need to be as mad as a hatter. Which, luckily, I am."

Little Things

As some of you know, I’ve had a really rough last few years. Bouts of depression, lost loved ones, broken friendships, lost jobs. I’ve been in a fog, and sometimes complete darkness, for the majority of the past two years if not more. There have been moments of joy, yes, but few that weren’t immediately clouded by my foggy mind. But then, then I had a day that gave me some hope. And it’s the craziest reason why.

My job for the fall had just fallen through, my sister moved away, summer was over and I had no idea how I was going to save up enough money to do what I wanted to this winter. I was in a fog and trying not to get lost in it. Then a friend encouraged me to go swimming with him. We’ve been doing this for a while. I help him with his strokes and I get a few laps in. But this time was different. This time I jumped in and did 200 yards before he even got in the pool. Then I proceeded to do at least 200 more while working with him. I was tired but energized at the same time. It was a feeling I knew I had felt before but it had been so long. Too long. I felt free, like I could breathe again, and like I didn’t want to stop moving after days on end of not wanting to get off the couch. Then it got even better.

We went out to dinner to continue our visit and, in addition to the good company; I got a cannoli for dessert. Anyone who knows me knows if Jessica is in a bad mood, Jessica needs a cannoli. And I was not in a bad mood, I was in a great mood after my swim, and the cannoli just made it so much better! I was happy dancing in my seat, singing loud to my favorite music on my drive home, and bounced my way in the door. I was happy, truly fully happy, and it felt so good.

When you get to places as dark as I have, you find you lose yourself somewhere along the way. I found myself pondering a disturbing thought recently, who is Jessica? The real Jessica? Do I even know anymore? Now I do. I caught a glimpse of the girl I know is truly me, deep down, under the darkness. She made an appearance and now I will continue this healing process to find her again.

When healing from pain, depression, disappointments, sometimes it takes big grand changes to make things right again. A new job, a new friend, or moving to a new place. But sometimes, sometimes it’s the little things that help uncover that light hidden beneath the pain. A good swim, a good friend, and a cannoli.

Travel Tips: Road Trips

 

I’ve been on road trips since I was a kid. We used to drive down to Florida every winter to visit my Grandparents and we’d be gone for several weeks at a time. I am no stranger to long car rides so, when it came to deciding how to go visit a friend across the country, I chose a car over a plane. And to make it even crazier, I did it alone.

I went back and forth on the best way to cross the country by myself as a single female. The only hotels in my budget were old and run down and I wasn’t thrilled about the other people staying there knowing I was alone. If you’re alone and planning on staying in hotels, I definitely recommend spending the money on the more expensive ones with actual security. I did not have that option, however, so I turned my punch bug into a camper. This way, whether I stayed at a campground or at a truck stop, I could be safely locked inside my car and just had to jump to the front seat and drive away if I didn’t feel safe. If you have the option to sleep in your car, I highly recommend it. It opens up tons of options as far as sleeping and napping locations.

If you are sleeping in your car, know that a good sleep is your top priority when there’s a lot of driving involved. Make sure your sleeping arrangement is comfortable; don’t want to be dozing off while driving. This was a big reason I chose my car over hotels for this particular trip. I never sleep well in hotels; it’s always different and unpredictable. The bed in my car, though not the most comfortable I’ve ever slept on, was at least familiar. I knew what to expect. Plus I could stop and sleep or nap whenever I wanted since there were no reservations needed, most campgrounds always have a site available and truck stops and thruway stops always have a parking spot for a quick nap. And most Cracker Barrels allow camping as well!

Once you figure out how you’re traveling you need to focus on what to pack. First and foremost, safety. As I mentioned in the camping tips, its’s always a good idea to have a first aid kit. You can put one together yourself or buy a pretty good one at the store. I bought one at the store but added a few of my own things like arnica and my cpr mask. Arnica is amazing for bruises or sore muscles. It takes out the swelling almost instantly.

In addition to treating injuries, it’s important to have protection. For my road trip I knew I’d be traveling by myself, stopping at camp grounds and truck stops, I needed something legal that could be used as protection. In addition to a spray; I also had a keychain alarm that goes off if I pull it. Thankfully I had no reason to use either but it was good to know I had them.

Pack light. After years of packing experience I’ve learned that less is more. I hardly ever wear everything I bring and it just ends up taking up space. Since I would be driving for most of my trip I wore mostly leggings and comfy shirts which didn’t take up much space. I had a bag hidden under my seat of nicer clothes for once I reached my destination. I found that when road tripping and staying in hotels, however, it was easier to switch out clothes from a bigger bag that stayed in the car to a smaller bag of stuff I needed in the hotel. Less to lug back and forth that way.

Wear layers. Any outfit can be warmed up with a good jacket that goes with everything. Even better if it has pockets so you don’t have to carry your purse every time you go to the gas station (which will be a lot depending on how long the trip is)

Something most may not think about while on a long trip, shaving. Unless you’re in a hotel with a hot shower, shaving is never a fun process while on the road. My battery powered razor has been a lifesaver for all forms of travel. Sure, maybe it doesn’t do as good of a job as a real razor, but it does well enough when traveling.

Try to plan your trip around your normal sleep schedule. I planned my days to drive mid morning, stop somewhere for a rest in the afternoon, then drive into the night. I’m a night person so that schedule worked well for me. When my sister and I took a road trip she drove in the morning and I drove at night, since she’s a morning person and I’m a night person. You always want to be driving when you’re most awake. Bring plenty of snacks and drinks too since, not only do you need to eat and drink, it’s helpful to be munching on something to stay alert.

If traveling by yourself, have a friend or family member on standby to keep updated on your progress or if something goes wrong. It’s important to have a plan but also be aware that things might not go as planned. I also recommend signing up for AAA. All it takes is a quick phone call to get car help if you need it.

Road trips are so much fun however you take them. Alone, with friends, with family. They can be high stress but also high reward. Be prepared, have fun with it, and get out there and explore!

Travel Tips: Camping

I just got back from a camping trip with my family. We used to go camping all the time but we haven’t been as a family in years. Part of that is because our van to tow the camper died followed by the camper floating across the yard in a flood. Kinda put a damper on the camping trips for a while. But my sister and I recently bought our own teardrop camper, and my parents decided a tent inside an easy up canopy was an acceptable arrangement, so camping we went! It took me a minute to get back in the camping routine but it wasn’t long before I remembered why I loved it so much. So, here are some camping tips from a lifelong camper!

First and foremost, for any form of travel, always be prepared. A first aid kit is a must. I am a trained lifeguard so I know how important it is to have everything from band aids to a CPR mask on hand. It’s also not a bad idea to be trained in first aid and CPR just in case you end up somewhere you won’t be able to find help right away. While you’re camping this is more likely. Whether you’re at a campground with no cell service, or climbing to the top of a mountain, there’s always a chance you could get hurt without immediate help.

Figure out what type of camping you’re most comfortable with. I fall comfortably in the middle. I’d rather not be in a tent but I don’t need a whole RV either. I grew up camping in a pop up camper and now my sister and I camp in our teardrop. Very few luxuries and that’s how I like it. Off the ground with easy set up but not something I could live in. Personally I think fancy RVs are cheating. But that’s just my opinion.

Since there’s no built in bathroom in a camper that’s only big enough for a bed, we always try to book a site relatively close to the bathroom. Nothing worse than having to walk a long way outside, in the middle of the night, when you need the bathroom. Well, there are a lot of things that could be worse, but you get the idea. Speaking of the bathroom, be sure to bring your bathroom essentials. Depending on the campground you should assume it has nothing. Bring soap, toilet paper, and a hand towel just in case. The campground we stayed at recently had soap and toilet paper, but no towels and it’s really annoying to walk around with wet hands.

Another important thing that I neglected to do myself on this last camping trip, make sure your bed is comfortable. It probably won’t match your bed at home, but it’s important to get good sleep when you’re off adventuring all day. Our camper didn’t have quite enough padding so I woke up sore. But it was only our first time in it so we will fix that for next time. I also recommend more blankets then you think you’ll need, it gets cold outside at night, even in the middle of summer. And a fan is nice depending on your set up and preferences. Our little camper needs some air flow since it’s so small and we also like the fan for some white noise. Fellow campers, birds, wildlife, and the sun get up awfully early; it’s nice to drown it out for a little while.

Bring water. We brought a 3 gallon jug of our water from home for the weekend. Not only is it not guaranteed there will be drinkable water at the campground, bringing endless water bottles takes up space and creates lots of waste. Better to take a bigger jug if you can with refillable water bottles. You’re camping in wilderness after all; we should be trying to create as little waste as possible.

A good cooler. It’s a good idea to invest in a good cooler. I have not, so I shouldn’t really be talking, but being able to keep your food cold while camping is obviously important. Most campgrounds have ice for sale even if they have nothing else, though, so you should still be able to keep everything cold.

Buy a really good flashlight. I have a great one that recharges that my mom gave me. I’ve dropped it several times and it still works, actually thought I lost it for good in Roatan once but the nice lady who did my laundry found it for me and gave it back. Whether you’re walking to the bathroom, back from a trip down to the beach to see the stars, or ended up out after dark by accident, a good flashlight is essential for all types of travel.

Bring layers. I’ll mention this for all travel but here’s the specific reason for camping. You’re outside. Unless you camp in an RV with both heat and air conditioning you will not have consistent temperatures for your whole trip. It will be chilly in the morning, warmer in the afternoon, and cold again at night, even in summer. And that’s only if it doesn’t rain! Layers are great for whatever weather gets thrown at you.

You can get a campsite with electricity, but if you don’t, I love all things solar. Our teardrop is totally solar and I’m planning on making it even more efficient. You can get batteries that charge on solar and then can charge your phone or other devices, be a Bluetooth speaker or radio, and even a flashlight if you need it to be. Depending on your budget you can get really fancy ones. They’re great for camping, especially if you’re camping off grid.

Don’t go alone, and if you do, make sure someone knows where you are and when you’re supposed to be back. Be aware of your surroundings.

Please clean up after yourself. Don’t leave food or garbage out when you’re not around. I had a raccoon happily snatch my hotdog once because I left it unattended and a bear slurped ketchup we weren’t aware was out one night. Don’t feed the animals, intentionally or unintentionally.

Most importantly, enjoy the adventure! Being out in the middle of God’s creation is the most rewarding adventure there is. Breathing the fresh air, being one with nature, living a simpler lifestyle, if only for a weekend. Camping can be extremely fun, I loved camping trips with my family as a kid and I’m excited that we’re getting back into it, but it’s always a good idea to be prepared. I only scratched the surface with this post. If you have any questions about camping, feel free to reach out. And if you have any tips of your own, please share!

Travel Tips Intro

 

Travel Tips

I am no stranger to traveling. I used to drive to Florida with my family every winter, a few cruises to various Caribbean destinations, trips to my family’s house in Roatan Honduras, endless camping trips, and a solo cross country road trip to Montana. As I was getting ready for my Montana trip, I found myself scouring the internet for tips on traveling solo and just traveling in general. I found some stuff, but mainly I relied on the things I’ve learned throughout my life of travel. So, I thought I’d put together some travel tips of my own, including tips if you’re a girl traveler or traveling solo. I’ll be breaking it down into a bit of a series. Tips for camping, tips for solo road trips or road trips in general, and tips for flying. If you have any tips you’d like to share, please do! And I’ll add them in. Let’s go on an adventure!

Too Much

I’m often told I’m too much. Too sensitive, too picky, too emotional, too much of a perfectionist, and that I expect too much from other people. I may be all of those things, and I don’t mind, except for that last one. That last one really bugs me. Is it really expecting too much for those I have a relationship with to put in an equal amount as I do? Is it really too much to hope that they will love me half as much as I love them? Is it too much to expect them to grow into who God created them to be? Is it possible that I just love everyone too much? Or am I expecting “too much” because they’re not giving enough?

All relationships rely on balance. In an effort to keep that balance, I tend to label my relationships. I do that so I can be careful of how much I should be putting in and how much I should be expecting to get out of the relationship. As long as I know what category they fall into, I am pretty good at managing my expectations and keeping that balance. As the relationship grows, and those expectations and effort grow along with it, the balance can become a little difficult. But as long as both people have the same definition for what the relationship is, there shouldn’t be a problem. If your definition of what a friend, sibling, significant other, or whatever you label the relationship as is different, however, then issues will start to arise. If the relationship means something different to each of you, then naturally you will be expecting different things and putting in different amounts of effort. If someone expects more they may be investing more to match that expectation, while the other may be expecting less and therefor giving less, creating a drastic loss of balance. Knowing your definition for each kind of relationship is crucial when trying to keep the balance between expectations and effort.

I know that I can expect a lot sometimes, and I am working on that, but people are so quick to remind me of that fact without stopping to ask why that is. I am completely capable of managing my expectations and having mutual relationships, but sometimes that balance gets disrupted despite my best efforts to avoid it. When I get in the most trouble is when I let my heart take control of the relationship. I love people easily, and when I love I love hard, so if I’ve been friends with someone for a while I am bound to get ahead of myself and bring the relationship to a higher level before its ready. I start putting in more than the other person is ready to give back and it makes me wonder if they care about the relationship as much as I do. When, in reality, I was the one who gave the relationship a premature promotion, raising the expectation before its time. With a reality check on my part, I can usually bring those expectations back into balance without them even knowing what happened, but it still can cause issues. I still love them, so do I really have to pretend I don’t just to make them more comfortable?

It’s hard enough to take a step back on my own when I realize I jumped up a level prematurely, but what if you agreed on a label thinking you both understood what it meant, only to find yourselves with drastically different expectations? And the deeper the relationship the worse it is. I would do pretty much anything for those I love, including facing some of my biggest fears. The word “busy” doesn’t even exist in my vocabulary when it comes to the people I love, I am always available to them. I love hard, so if we’ve reached this level of intensity, really good friends or even going as far as calling each other siblings, then the love I’m putting out is high and my expectations rise right along with it. That kind of intensity is hard to step back from. I try not to expect too much, but I can’t help it. I would drain myself dry for them and only ask for them to meet halfway in return. So when they aren’t returning that level of love that I believe our relationship requires, am I really expecting too much? Should I really love them less and expect less than the relationship label suggests? Just to make them more comfortable? Just so I don’t get hurt when they don’t meet my expectations? It may appear balanced on the outside, but in reality I’d just be pretending, so is that really any better?

I try really hard to make sure I treat my relationships as God intends. So if I’m treating our relationship as I believe God wants but they’re still a few levels behind, then is it possible it’s not me expecting too much, but that there’s a reason for the imbalance? Could it be possible my expectations are “too high” because theirs aren’t high enough? Sure, maybe I need to step down a few steps sometimes, but is it not also possible God is using the relationship to encourage them to step up a few? Maybe God wants me to share my testimony with them and expect them to share theirs, not to make them uncomfortable, but to encourage them to take ownership of their past and see how much they’ve grown. Perhaps I expect them to be there for me in my darkness to remind them to appreciate when someone’s there for them in theirs. Maybe me expecting honesty and loyalty is what it will take to remind them of how crucial those things are. Maybe I am led to pour out my love on them to encourage them to pour more love into others, and remind them that they are worthy of every ounce of love they receive. Maybe me expecting more from them is exactly what they need to realize they are capable of being the person I expect them to be, the best version of themselves, the person God has created them to be. Maybe me expecting more is what encourages them to be more.

So yea, maybe I am expecting too much sometimes, but sometimes maybe I’m expecting just enough. We should all be striving to grow together. To find some balance and push ourselves and others to be more like the people God created us to be, to be more like Jesus. We always can be more or less than what we are, but as long as we are moving towards God, we are just enough. So the next time I’m told that I’m too much, I’ll stop and make sure I’m doing what I believe God would want, then I’ll remember that, to God, I’m not too much or too little of anything. He is the one who created me and He doesn’t make mistakes. To Him, I am just enough. Even if that’s “too much” for everyone else.

Glow

 

Suddenly, as I sat there on the couch at my friend’s house, he was doing something in the kitchen; I started to see this… glow… about him. I know it sounds weird, absurd even, but I have a gift. A gift I believe God has given me. This gift has gotten me in trouble a few times but I also call it a blessing. There are times; sometimes right when I meet someone or maybe after we get to know each other a bit, when I get this feeling, deep in my heart, that I know who this person is. Really really know them. I can sense who God wants them to be, who God has created them to be. I can see the glow God has put inside of them, often times before they do. And knowing that can really play tricks on my mind and heart.

Imagine this. You have gone to the future and seen who someone will be; the person God has called them to be. They are thriving and happy and exactly where God wants them. But then you come back to the present and the person standing in front of you simply isn’t that person yet. So when they do something stupid, or hurtful, it catches you off guard because that’s not the person you thought you knew. “You’re not who I thought you were” takes on a whole new meaning… That happens to me quite often. And it’s tricky to make sure I don’t hold present day them to future them standards. If that makes sense…

For those of you who read my blog you have read I Fell In Love Once, well this particular gift was part of the reason I got myself in trouble. I fell in love with the guy he would become but I continued to be hurt by the boy he was at the time. God wasn’t done with him yet, he’s not done with any of us. We are all a work in progress. But sometimes that future person shows through. Sometimes I can see it as clear as day and sometimes its hidden in the dark. It tricks me into forgetting which version of them I’m dealing with. And it often drives me crazy when I can see it but they aren’t making an effort to let it shine through which usually leads to some… complicated arguments.

My point? God has a plan for all of us. And even as we fall short of that plan, there are people in our lives who see us for who God has created us to be. Some of them stand by us as we struggle to get there, while others are meant to give a nudge in the right direction before disappearing again. Be sensitive to those nudges. God won’t force you to do something, but He will put people in your path who will encourage you to follow him. They will see that glow in you and want nothing more than to watch it envelope you fully, lighting up your face with the joy only God can give. Don’t be afraid to let that light shine.