Little Things

As some of you know, I’ve had a really rough last few years. Bouts of depression, lost loved ones, broken friendships, lost jobs. I’ve been in a fog, and sometimes complete darkness, for the majority of the past two years if not more. There have been moments of joy, yes, but few that weren’t immediately clouded by my foggy mind. But then, then I had a day that gave me some hope. And it’s the craziest reason why.

My job for the fall had just fallen through, my sister moved away, summer was over and I had no idea how I was going to save up enough money to do what I wanted to this winter. I was in a fog and trying not to get lost in it. Then a friend encouraged me to go swimming with him. We’ve been doing this for a while. I help him with his strokes and I get a few laps in. But this time was different. This time I jumped in and did 200 yards before he even got in the pool. Then I proceeded to do at least 200 more while working with him. I was tired but energized at the same time. It was a feeling I knew I had felt before but it had been so long. Too long. I felt free, like I could breathe again, and like I didn’t want to stop moving after days on end of not wanting to get off the couch. Then it got even better.

We went out to dinner to continue our visit and, in addition to the good company; I got a cannoli for dessert. Anyone who knows me knows if Jessica is in a bad mood, Jessica needs a cannoli. And I was not in a bad mood, I was in a great mood after my swim, and the cannoli just made it so much better! I was happy dancing in my seat, singing loud to my favorite music on my drive home, and bounced my way in the door. I was happy, truly fully happy, and it felt so good.

When you get to places as dark as I have, you find you lose yourself somewhere along the way. I found myself pondering a disturbing thought recently, who is Jessica? The real Jessica? Do I even know anymore? Now I do. I caught a glimpse of the girl I know is truly me, deep down, under the darkness. She made an appearance and now I will continue this healing process to find her again.

When healing from pain, depression, disappointments, sometimes it takes big grand changes to make things right again. A new job, a new friend, or moving to a new place. But sometimes, sometimes it’s the little things that help uncover that light hidden beneath the pain. A good swim, a good friend, and a cannoli.