Mad As A Hatter

My obsession with the Mad Hatter started long ago. I loved watching different interpretations of the Lewis Carrol character and soon started creating my own version. I’d create my own costumes, grow my hat collection, he would find his way into much of my writing, and I’d even have an Alice In Wonderland themed birthday party that was the most elaborate party I think I’ve ever had (I was the Mad Hatter of course) But it wasn’t just a love of the eccentric character that had me intrigued, there was much more going on below the surface.

Around the same time, I found a love for the Mad Hatter I also started having some mental health issues. I didn’t put the two together at the time, and I wouldn’t take my mental health problems seriously until much much later, but I realize now they were connected.

I am autistic, self-diagnosed, but it’s still valid. I had suspected for years but didn’t take it seriously until recently. Looking back, I realize that my mental health issues stem from my autism making college very difficult. School was never very enjoyable for me, but going from homeschooling to college was a challenge. Not academically, I feel being homeschooled really prepared me for that, but socially. And before you go saying “homeschoolers aren’t socialized enough” it wasn’t that either. I had friends, good friends, but none of them came from college. The fake college relationships were where I was having issues. Trying to fit in, being exposed to behaviors that were morally wrong, being surrounded by people who had no intention of creating real lasting relationships. It was all very overwhelming for my autistic mind to handle. What does this all have to do with the Mad Hatter? Well, much like a trip through Wonderland, I promise we’ll get there eventually, it just might take a few twists and turns.

When an autistic person ignores the warning signs their body is putting out it can become a very real problem very quickly. I started having mental breakdowns. Times when I lost control of reality. Maybe I’d cry for no reason, or lose control of my body and end up on the floor without being sure how I got there, or find myself lying on the floor laughing uncontrollably. Sometimes it was scary, sometimes it was a minor inconvenience before moving on to “real life” again, always it was disorienting and confusing. I spent years trying to figure out what caused them, or at least know the signs so I could avoid them. In the midst of all this was when I became obsessed with the Mad Hatter. See? Told you we’d get there.

As my mental health grew… weirder… I couldn’t help but compare myself to the Mad Hatter. I had always been eccentric, especially as a child, I loved hats, his style was much like mine, and I always saw myself as a little strange. I realized later I had been suppressing all that, likely leading to the outbursts, but the only explanation I could come up with for my behavior at the time was… well… I had to ask myself “have I gone mad?” but according to the book “the best people usually are” so I rolled with it and, instead of calling my episodes “mental breakdowns,” I started saying I was “going into Mad Hatter mode.” It seemed appropriate, don’t you think?

Soon my friends knew what I meant when I said I was “going Mad Hatter" and they did their best to help me get through it or, sometimes, avoid it all together. For the most part though, I was on my own and had to learn to just embrace it. It was part of life now. And the Mad Hatter love, and trouble, continued.

Now I know my Mad Hatter mode is when my autistic mind is begging for a break. Its appearance meant I had missed the signs leading up to it and my outbursts were my body literally screaming for stimulation and attention. It was my body asking to be normal, even if my normal was a bit stranger than anyone else’s. I’m doing a better job of listening before it gets that far now, but it is still a work in progress. At least I know I’m not going mad, not completely anyway.

Sometimes I wonder if maybe the Mad Hatter wasn’t truly mad, but just misunderstood, stuck in a world that didn’t understand him for far too long. Perhaps I am more like the Mad Hatter then I realize. When I think about it, my journey through Wonderland really helped me find myself again, helped me get back to that eccentric little girl who disappeared somewhere along the way. The Mad Hatter is certainly inside me now, the good parts and bad. The eccentric style is no longer hidden, my spinning mind is no longer fought against but instead just redirected (for the most part), my love of color and hats of every kind is on full display, and I’m not nearly as afraid to speak my mind and hold to the truth, even if it leads to a solitary life consisting only of my fellow mad tea party friends. The episodes of uncontrollable emotions have slowed down now that I’ve stopped suppressing the eccentric behavior and just let myself be myself. Being the Mad Hatter helped me make sense of a world that doesn’t make sense, a world much like the one the Mad Hatter tells us of.

"There is a place, like no place on earth. A land full of wonder, mystery, and danger. Some say, to survive it, you need to be as mad as a hatter. Which, luckily, I am."