I Fell In Love Once

I fell in love once. I don't know if it was real love or not because I had never fallen before or since, but it certainly felt real at the time, as most things often do. And then… Well then I had my heart broken.

Now, if you've followed my blog or know me personally you would know that I don't date. So how did I fall in love AND have my heart broken without dating? Let’s just say life doesn't always go according to plan. My head said if I didn't date I'd avoid heartbreak. I would wait patiently until God showed me the guy I was going to marry, and yes, I'm still waiting. But my heart had other plans and did what it wanted without my permission. Technically I never "dated" him, but try to tell your heart to stop falling in love once it already starts falling. Especially when you're not totally sure you want to tell it to stop. I quickly learned that the harder you fall, the more pieces your heart breaks into when the one you've fallen for fails to catch you…

We were friends before my heart got ahead of itself. Our friendship was something special and I wouldn't trade it for the world. He pushed me in ways I needed to be pushed and had a way of calming me down when I was overreacting (which I often do.) He was sweet, and charming, and drove me crazy all at once. And through our friendship he helped me realize who I was and who I wanted to be; and now I am becoming that person. Ironically, after he has disappeared from my life.

Through the whole experience I learned how far I was willing to go to follow God's plan for my life, even if it scared me. And trust me, thinking I might actually end up with a guy in the military scared me to death. That was not a plan I would have chosen for myself. I am... o.k. was... not that kind of girl. And no, that particular plan didn't work out at the time, but I know now that whatever plan God does have for me in the future, with His help, I will be able to handle it. I was ready and willing to take on the challenge if that was what God wanted for me, and honestly, I am stronger and more independent now just from thinking of it as a possibility. I am truly grateful for that.

I also learned to really listen to God, even when He was saying something I didn't want to hear. The last thing I wanted to do was walk away. I didn't want to be the one to let go of this friendship simply because it wasn't fair for either of us that my heart decided to be at war with reality. But the battle was tearing me to shreds and I knew God was telling me it was time to walk away. So I did. And I learned that I am stronger than I thought I was because that was one of the hardest things I had ever had to do. I continue to grow stronger every day and have come to fully believe that with God's help I can handle anything.

And after I walked away, I learned what it meant to hurt that much. If you've ever suffered from heartbreak you know how painful it is, mentally and physically. You wish you could rip your heart out of your chest so it would just stop aching, you wish your mind had an off switch so you could get some sleep, and you wish your stomach would hold more ice cream because maybe one more scoop will make you feel better. It took me a long time to get past the worst of it, and trust me, it was excruciating pain. But without pain, there can be no healing. And sometimes healing is what it takes to find who you're supposed to be.

Without that hurt, I wouldn't have had the joy of knowing what it feels like to be healed by God. I learned to trust that God would heal my heart when the time was right. And He most certainly has! It has been an amazing feeling over the last couple years, especially the last few months, to literally feel God slowly but surely putting the pieces of my heart, and my mind for that matter, back together again, stronger and wiser than ever before.

When you're in the middle of something as painful as a broken heart it's easy to think nothing good could ever come out of it. But, looking back from several years later, I wouldn't change a thing. I would not be the girl I am today without it, and I like the girl I am today. I changed, I matured, and I learned things I couldn't have learned otherwise. I learned who I was and who I wanted to be. I learned to listen, to trust, and to allow God to heal me.

I had my heart broken once. I tried to avoid it, tried my hardest to keep it from happening, but now realize I couldn't stop it. It was bound to happen eventually I'm sure. And maybe, just maybe, that's what God had planned all along. Life doesn't always go as we plan. We can't avoid every obstical, every heartbreak. But maybe we're not supposed to. Maybe those painful situations are what God uses to mold us into the people we are supposed to become. Maybe He uses them as a way to get us to go to Him. Becasue He is the only one who can mend a broken heart and He is the only one who will never break it in the first place.

I had my heart broken once, and then God put it back together stronger and wiser then before so that, when the time and guy is right, I can fall in love.