Same Storm, Different Boat

I’ve been putting off writing a blog post about our current situation for a while now. Honestly, I don’t even know where to begin. I guess all I can really do is start with the truth. I think a post I saw the other day kind of sums it up quite nicely. 

We’re all in the same storm, but we’re not all in the same boat.

It all started while I was still in Roatan Honduras. My trip hadn’t even officially come to an end yet. I still had a week left before I was supposed to leave when the news started coming in that there was a problem. I had been completely oblivious to the whole thing. I was on an island, right where I was supposed to be, doing what I was supposed to be doing, having one of the greatest adventures of my life. Why would I watch the news?

I had a mental breakdown the week I left. If any of you remember my Costumes And Characters posts from a while back, the Mad Hatter in me has grown in the last few years, and not in a good way. When I get overwhelmed I start shutting down. I get overly emotional on one extreme or another; anger, sadness, giggly for no apparent reason, and I can switch from one to another at the drop of a hat (pun intended) It can be really exhausting actually… I’ll spare you the details of this particular mental breakdown.

So, I made it home. I’m still not sure if coming back to the states when I did was the right decision, but after self destructing in the airport and threatening (under the guise of joking) to get off the plane, there was no going back. I was leaving my new island home and island family behind, not knowing when or if I would ever see either again. And that, on top of everything else that was going on, was not sitting well with me once I made it back to my home in Central NY.

“What is the purpose of today?” Quickly became a recurring question. Was there anything I could do today that would help someone? Could I be the support my friends and family truly needed when we were so far away? Why bother getting dressed if I wasn’t going anywhere? Why does it keep snowing? If I didn’t get back to work or on unemployment would I ever be able to fix my car? Why was I even getting out of bed?  And why does everything hurt?

My muscles hurt from the sudden lack of exercise and drastic change in climate and my head from the changing weather and constant worry. My mind hurt from the mental strain of being stuck in my own head, worrying if I missed out on a once in a lifetime opportunity by not staying but, at the same time, knowing there was nothing I could do about it. And my heart hurt from leaving loved ones behind and not being able to see anyone once I got here either. And my emotions were doing back flips again from not being able to do anything about any of it. And if I was in this much pain while having a roof over my head and food on the table, how were people who do have serious mental problems coping with this?

Usually I only have what I call a Mad Hatter level breakdown once or maybe twice a year, and only when I’m not careful to catch it and slow it down fast enough. But at the rate my mental health was dropping I was beginning to fear two in a matter of months, and I didn’t want to know what it would take to recover from something like that. Being suddenly cut off from what my life had been for the past three month on the island, plus the lack of social interaction and any sense of “normal” once I got home, was wearing on me. HARD. None of my normal ways of coping and slowing it down were an option. Usually I would go for a swim, or visit a friend, go shopping, or go for a walk. None of those options, for one reason or another, were possible. I was stuck in my house, left to find company within my own mind, which is not somewhere I want to be when headed towards a mental breakdown as it only speeds up the process. Thankfully I occasionally had my family to distract me from myself, I couldn’t imagine what would happen if I was living on my own, I’d go mad.

My mental health may not have taken quite as hard of a hit if I had stayed on the island. I could’ve gone swimming, and seen the sunset every night, and pretended everything was ok in that Island Ignorance is Bliss kind of way. I could have handed out food and helped those in need. I probably would be a lot further in this book I’m supposed to be writing instead of hitting a total mental block. But I’m not. I’m here. Doing what I can to help and praying that God will use me right where I’m at.

It’s taken a while. A solid month at least. There are still good days and bad days and some really bad days, and I won’t rule out a total Mad Hatter breakdown just yet, but I think I’m finally beyond the worst of it. Thanks to God, my sister, and a few close friends. I don’t really know what my point in writing this is. Perhaps it’s to help people realize that everyone is handling this differently. We’re all in different boats. For some it’s a much needed vacation and family time. For some it’s life as normal as they continue to go to work or are retired. For some the fear of not being able to feed their families far outweighs the fear of the virus. For some, the isolation is their worst nightmare come true. For some, seeing people in need and not being able to give them a hug is the worst pain they could imagine. For some, the virus in their own mind is worse then the one we’re all afraid of.

So what is the purpose of today? To be sensitive. To be supportive. To be there in whatever way you can. To be kind. To be a light in the darkness. To be at peace knowing God is in control, and to share that peace, no mater how your situation compares with someone else’s. We’re all in the same storm, but we’re in different boats. Let’s try not to splash more water into someone else’s as we try to bail out our own.

Brothers and Sisters

I’ve always said that the best gift you could ever give a child is a sibling. My sister actually used to call an Only Child a Lonely Child, I believe it started as an accident but it stuck. And I think it’s true. I couldn’t imagine life without my sister. We grew up together, literally every minute of every day. We were homeschooled so there really was no escaping each other. Sometimes that leads to fighting, of course, but we always figure it out and end up stronger because of it. We have inside jokes that go back years, we know each other’s likes and dislikes like they’re our own, we can have whole conversations across the room without saying a word, we know when the other is upset and usually know just how to fix it. I could never imagine life without my sister, but I never thought I would need a brother too…

I wasn’t blessed with a brother by normal means. My parents didn’t have another kid, we didn’t adopt, there was no half-brother situation happening. But yet, over my life, I have ended up with a handful of guys I would consider my brothers. Friends or family friends who became so close we became like siblings. Now, I’m glad I didn’t grow up with them, I think that would have driven me nuts, but I am glad I have them now. Just because God blessed me with a sister doesn’t mean I don’t need a brother too. And honestly, I’m starting to think this world would make a lot more sense if every guy had a sister and every girl a brother. Blood relation or not. We can learn a lot from each other and I don’t think it all has to happen (or should) in a romantic setting. 

Guys are always complaining about how complicated girls are, but if they had a sister they might have a better chance of figuring them out. Girls (including myself) complain about how annoying guys are, but maybe if they had a brother they would find they have a little more patience for it. I was homeschooled and only had a sister, so when it came to guys I was kind of lost. I got frustrated easily (and still do sometimes) and just didn’t understand how to deal with guys, let alone actually be friends with them or think about marrying one. But then I started having sibling relationships with a few guys and I realized having a sibling of the opposite gender might actually help prepare you for a romantic relationship, or any relationship really, later on. 

I had the honor of spending a lot of time with a friend recently. He was in Roatan with me for the winter and at the beginning we were just friends, but by the end not only had we started calling each other brother and sister, our friends had started to call us that too. I had never really had a brother before, not one who I had the opportunity to spend so much time with. So I really took advantage of this chance to have a brother. We goofed off quite a bit with several splashing fights and teasing each other constantly. But it wasn’t all just teasing each other; we also learned a lot about each other and grew really close. We looked out for each other, he protected me and made sure I was safe and, in turn, I did my best to help him in any way I could. 

In all my brotherly relationships I have learned that having a brother or sister, or a sibling in general, can really force you to care about someone else’s safety over your own. It can cause you to think about someone else’s happiness without necessarily expecting some “reward” at the end of winning their affections as a boyfriend or girlfriend. It forces us to remove the mask we put on to impress a potential boyfriend or girlfriend and just be ourselves. And learning how to be ourselves with the opposite gender can be a huge step in truly being ourselves with our future spouse. And my personal favorite, picking their brain about any given dilemma (especially if it involves another guy) so I can come at my issues from a different perspective. It forces us to realize guys think differently than girls do and in order to truly understand each other we need to take the time to really listen instead of just hear. All of my brotherly relationships have helped me get a better idea of how to interact with a guy. Get a better idea of how they think and how their brain works vs. mine (because they are different). And every one of them has definitely helped me work on my patience…

I have the best sister in the world and I wouldn’t trade her for anything. But there is definitely something to be said for a protective brother’s hug when it feels like the world is falling apart. A brother looking out for you when he thinks you could be in trouble. A brother to goof around with. A guy to talk to without constantly worrying about whether he likes me or not. And I think sometimes a guy definitely needs a sister to kick him in the right direction every once in a while (lovingly of course) and show him love without it being romantic. And I think we all need someone who we know isn’t going anywhere even if we screw up, because we all screw up. I thank God for my sister (and my sisters not by blood as well, I have several of them too) and my brothers. I would not be who I am without them. Maybe it’s time every brother had a sister and every sister had a brother…

Apocalist

What would you do if you only had eight months left on this earth? Strange question, I know, especially considering recent events; but it’s something I’ve been thinking a lot about recently. What would I do if I only had a few months left? If tomorrow wasn’t promised? Which it’s not. We don’t know what tomorrow will bring. We don’t know what the next second will bring let alone next year. So why do we pretend we do? And why don’t we take advantage of every second we have? 

I’ve been watching this show called No Tomorrow and it’s about just that. This guy has this theory that an asteroid is going to collide with earth in eight months. So he writes what he calls an “Apocalist” which is a list of all the things he wants to do before the earth explodes. A bucket-list of sorts. Some of the things are downright absurd, like breaking stuff for no reason; some are real things, like talking to his father who he had fallen out with. He makes it a mission to seize every day and encourage others to do the same.

This attitude is one I’ve strived for in the past but also struggle with daily, especially recently. I have just returned from an amazing adventure in another country full of exciting new things and challenges. I thought I would be able to keep that exciting momentum going once I got home, but my body had other plans as stress caught up with me from all that has been going on in the world lately. But that’s no reason to stop! My mind is racing with all the things I want to do, ready for the next adventure. Just because I can’t do it right this moment doesn’t mean I shouldn’t plan for it.

This world is full of things I haven’t seen or done. Full of places I want to go, things I want to do, adventures I want to have, and maybe a regret or two I want to fix. And I know you probably can say the same. So what are you waiting for? What am I waiting for? Before we know it, it could be too late. I’m going to write my own version of an “Apocolist” and I hope you will join me in doing so. We may not be able to cross off the travel related goals for a while, like trips to see the northern lights, or Paris, or a road trip across the country, or to an island in the Caribbean; but I’m sure we’ve all got other things that we can cross off. Like finally cleaning that room you’ve been meaning to, or finally read that book, or write that book, or talk to that person you’ve been avoiding but know you should talk to, or work on that catio you’ve been promising your cat for two years… Life is short. Tomorrow isn’t promised. What good is this amazing life we’ve been blessed with if we aren’t going to live it?

What’s on your list?

A Gem In The Mud

“You can’t change him” my sister said to me “I don’t want to change him” I said, knowing full well it’s impossible to change anyone anyway “I want to find him,” I said, surprised by my own words. But I quickly realized it was true. I didn’t want to change him; I didn’t want to change anyone. I wanted to find who they already were, deep inside, and pull it out for all to see. Wipe off the years of caked on mud and dirt and find the gem of a person God had created.

I have this funny way of being able to see who God created someone to be. Beneath the dirt and grime I can see the gem inside. Perhaps I will write another post going deeper into that at some point. Anyway… So there I was, thinking about how I know, deep in my heart, who this friend of mine was supposed to be. Who God had called him to be and how amazing his life will be in the future. How he was a gem, a true “diamond in the rough” if you will (yes, shameless Aladdin reference there… I’m a Disney freak what can I say?) And I realized we all are just that…

Every single one of us is a gem; hidden beneath a pile of rock, and dirt, and mud of our own creation. We have put up walls and found ways to distract ourselves from what hurts us instead of facing it and growing stronger from it. We all have those bad habits and dark pasts that build up around us, making it harder to find our true selves amidst the mud. We all have created fake personalities to feel less vulnerable. But the real us is in there somewhere. It’s a gem lost inside the mess.

So no, I don’t want to change anyone. I don’t want to change my friend. It’s impossible to truly change someone anyway. Only God can do that, and even then all he’s doing is exposing the gem he had already placed within. But I do want to help find that gem. I want to help chip away that dirt and grime, the bad habits and fake personalities, scrape away the dirt of the past and find the real gem beneath it all. Because we are all gems, just waiting to be dug out, cleaned off, and made to shine as we are meant to.