Sit With You In The Dark

 

The snow falls and the darkness descends on yet another day. Christmas is over, this year is nearly over, and for the first time in my memory, I find myself not looking forward to the coming year. Afraid that if I get my hopes up it will jinx any hope of brighter days. I came into this year believing it would be a year of change, a year of truth, a year of opened eyes and new hope. And in a lot of ways it has. And I held onto that hope, even as it became a mere thread in my fingers. But it becomes exhausting clinging to a thread. Your hands cramping, your heart jumping every time you think you’ve lost hold. But I tried time and time again to put a smile on my face and pretend everything was ok, urging my light to shine brighter for those around me because I knew that they had it worse than I did. They needed my light and positivity more than I did. I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t deserve to even let my light flicker because I had it better than most. But that didn’t make my challenges any less real.

You know that saying “the grass is always greener”? Well, as it turns out, it works both ways. Just as you shouldn’t always be comparing your lawn to someone else’s greener and seemingly better one, you shouldn’t compare it to a browner and seemingly worse one either. Always reminding yourself that at least you’re better off than someone else isn’t helpful. There will always be someone who’s got it worse no matter what the circumstance. And if no one was allowed to be upset unless there was no one else who had it worse than them then we would all have to be happy all the time. And you know as well as I do that, not only is that impossible, it’s also not fair. It disvalues your feelings and challenges when they are just as valid as anyone else’s. Because it’s ok to be upset. It’s ok to realize that something that’s easy for others may be the biggest challenge of your life for you. It’s ok to let your light flicker and just sit in the dark sometimes.

I have always been seen as the ray of sunshine, the positive one when things are falling apart, the one who’s always got a smile. I’m realizing that that’s a huge expectation to live up to. I’m not always going to be positive and there are things that are harder for me than for others. I have things I struggle with just as much as anyone else. I can’t be a light for everyone all the time and it isn’t fair to expect me to be. The harder I push to make my light shine, the harder it is to be genuinely happy. It turns into just a front. An act. And it’s exhausting. Especially in a year that just keeps hitting you when you’re down, as I know it’s done for every one of you too.

So as this year comes to a close, please take a moment to reflect. Reflect on how you’re feeling because your feelings are valid. Your challenges matter. You can’t just ignore them. Take a moment to reflect on who you’ve been relying on for their light and who’s been relying on you. If you can’t hold them up right now because you too lack the strength to stand, be honest. Be honest with them and yourself because a fire out of wood won’t burn for long. And if you’ve been leaning on someone, make sure they are ok too. Because even though they look like they’re always burning bright and therefore must be just fine, chances are they’re almost out of fuel and they feel as I do. Afraid of leaving you in the dark so much that they convince themselves their own challenges are small and unimportant in comparison to yours, even as their flame is suffocating in a lack of oxygen.

Sometimes we can’t be the light for each other. Sometimes we can’t be the one to add to their flame because our own flame is flickering too low. And that’s ok. It’s ok if instead of encouraging each other you simply acknowledge that you are both struggling and just sit beside each other so you know you’re not alone. Because sometimes, sometimes it’s enough to just sit with each other in the dark.

 

"When you can't look on the bright side, I will sit with you in the dark" ~ Unknown

Photo By Emma

Make America Rake Again

 

The other day I was helping a friend of mine rake his lawn. We had put it off because life had gotten crazy and schedules just weren’t matching up, but it was important to get the job done before the snow fell or it would kill the grass. So there we were, the day after the 2020 presidential election, raking the mountains of leaves that had piled up. Some of the trees were still green, so we knew we would probably have to do it again, but it would make the job much easier if we got it started now.

As we raked we were discussing politics (it was the day after the election, what else would we be talking about?) and suddenly he gets this huge smile on his face like he’d thought of something really cleaver and goes “You know what we’re doing? We’re making America Great Again,” I looked at him skeptically, trying to figure out what he meant by that, all we were doing was raking his lawn, “by raking?” I asked with a laugh “Make America Rake Again,” I joked. He informed me that if one of the candidates had that slogan he’d definitely vote for them.

It was just a joke, a play on the already used slogan, but as I raked I started thinking about it. Make America Rake Again… What would a slogan like that actually mean? Well, it would mean taking on the work yourself. It takes the pressure off of the government to do the work and literally puts it on the American people, in my opinion, just as it should be. The government is there to protect, not to live our lives for us. Not to clean up our lawn or take out the trash. Not to make our life easier, just make our life safer. We need to put in the work ourselves to make the country we want to live in. And part of that is electing leaders who we believe will hold those same values, but that is certainly not all of it.

Another thought that came to mind is that, while it’s important to look at the big picture and want to see change all throughout the country, or even just your state, where it starts is right where you are. It starts in your own neighborhood, your own town, your own yard. As we raked and mowed the lawn we watched as at least three other people followed suit. They saw us taking care of our own little piece of the country and decided it might be a good idea to take care of their own. That happens with everything. You give someone a smile, they are bound to see it and smile at someone else. You’re mean to someone, they will likely then take out that hurt on someone else. The more good and hard work we put into the world, the more it spreads.

And the job is never over! The slogan doesn’t end at the end of the election, it has to continue. We have to keep working to keep our country free (literally, and of leaves) and beautiful. More leaves will fall and we’ll have to clean them up all over again, but the job is easier if you keep doing a little over time rather than all at once. And if we don’t clean up those dead leaves, just let them keep piling up, then the grass and plants beneath them will suffocate, causing death and decay. If we let the problems sit around, waiting for someone else (the government) to deal with them, we will just end up buried beneath the leaves.

“So what’s your health plan?” he asks after we’ve amused ourselves with this hypothetical presidential run for a while. “Well, if people are raking then they’re healthy” I say, stating the obvious first. If you are taking time to literally rake, aka exercise, then you will be healthier. And if you’re cleaning up your piece of the world, you’ll feel better. And if you’re letting that light spread, you will feel better mentally too. Getting back to work and having a purpose makes all the difference in living a healthy lifestyle.

We can’t expect other people, the government, our president, to do it for us. We’ve got to rake our own lawns, take care of our own bodies, our own families, our own space, and our own communities. The desire to do good for ourselves and those around us will spread and soon our country will grow and flourish, little by little. We’ll clean up the dead leaves and make way for the new growth. So go Make America Rake Again. It’s time to take the cleanliness of our country into our own hands.

 

Costumes And Characters: Dragon

 

A dragon. A fierce, fire breathing, elegant, strong creature known to inspire the imagination and bring both admiration and fear to those lucky enough to see one. Why is a dragon this year’s character outlining the chapters of my life? Well, for anyone who’s been keeping up on my Costumes And Characters  posts, you may realize that this is actually a continuation of another character from a couple years back. The Enchantress.

The Enchantress is a quiet, brave, caring, smart, strong, but broken lady who, you guessed it, likes to turn into a dragon. So the dragon character is not all that different then Crystal the Enchantress, as they are the same being after all. But that is kind of the point of this whole series is it not? Realizing that I am also every one of these characters? So, why am I a dragon now?

This year has been hard on everyone. And that is not even an exaggeration. Life just keeps kicking us while we’re already down. I can’t even begin to write a list of all the ways life just keeps throwing flaming arrows at me and those around me. I’ve been calling “plot twist!” a bit too often these days… For some, they have let themselves get bruised and bloody, taking hit after hit. Others turn to anger and try to use it as a way to strike back, but you can’t be in a sword fight without also getting stabbed. But some, some choose instead to put on their armor to protect what is inside so they can be brave and strong despite the battle that is 2020. Much like a dragons hard scales are meant to protect.

For a while I was letting myself get bloody and beaten, then I turned to anger for a while, but now I realize I need to protect what is inside me before I worry about the problems of the world. I need to build up armor around my faith, around my heart, around my mind. And let the fire of the Holy Spirit build up its embers inside me. Only then, when I am protected with the armor of God, armed with the fire of the Holy Spirit, can I face the battle with confidence. Just as a dragon flies into battle, knowing its scales and fire will protect it from the enemy.

I may not be ready to take off in flight just yet, but I am stretching my wings and building up my armor. I will fight this battle with truth, with love, with faith, with all the tools God gives me to fight the enemies flaming arrows. And I encourage you to do the same. This dragon will be ready to fly soon, knowing her God is protecting her, fighting right alongside her. A fierce, graceful, strong creature, ready to take on the world with a fire burning in her heart.

Unconditional Love

“I love you” three words that can mean so much but, sometimes, mean nothing. They can hold all the significance in the world, or be a hollow shell meant to deceive and prove a devotion that simply isn’t there. Love, real unconditional love, is nearly impossible to find these days. Love isn’t, I’d be surprised if I came across a person who never loved a single person in their life. But I’m talking real love, unconditional love. Love without conditions. Hence the term, “unconditional.”

So what is unconditional love? It’s love that isn’t based on behavior, actions, or words. Love that is there no matter how we feel about someone at this particular moment. No matter how many times they screw up or hurt us. Even if you don’t agree with their choices or who they hang out with, you still love them. No question. Of course that doesn’t mean you have to stop pointing them in the right direction, and it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be hurt when they refuse, it also doesn’t mean that you can’t give them space if they hurt you (especially if God is telling you to do so, it’s ok to love from a distance sometimes) but it does mean you love them regardless. And make sure they know you love them.

So why do I say this doesn’t exist as much as it should? Because how many times have you heard people devote their lives to each other only to split ways a few months later over some stupid argument? How many times do you hear about a kid equating their parents love to their good grades? How many times have you been guilty of telling someone you loved them, only to realize you didn’t after they did something stupid? How many times have we given each other ultimatums? Conditions for our “unconditional” love? How many of us are guilty of saying “I love you” out of habit, only for the words to become hollow and meaningless? And the more we misuse the word love, the harder it becomes to recognize, and know how to give, the real kind of love. No wonder it’s so hard for people (myself included) to accept God’s love sometimes…

So why is love so common but unconditional love, the love demonstrated to us by God, so rare? It’s because there is a disconnect between the two. A miss-definition if you will. In order to know and show true love, you must first understand Gods love. So what is love? It’s often described as a feeling, usually reserved for family or a romantic relationship. But God’s love isn’t just a fleeting feeling. God IS Love. If God can physically BE love then it can’t just be a feeling because feelings come and go. God’s love never leaves us. So if God’s love isn’t a feeling, what is it? God is love. It’s a part of him. It’s a lifestyle. And if something is a part of you it doesn’t just go away. And if God is love, and we are created in his image, then love must also be a part of us right?

In my experience I have always loved people, most would say deeper then I should. I’ve gotten hurt on multiple occasions because of it yet I keep diving headfirst into more relationships. Even after I promise myself I won’t let myself get hurt like that again… So why do I do it? Because it’s become a part of me rather than just a passing feeling. I can’t not love. I can be frustrated, or disappointed, or even really not like someone’s actions, but I can’t make my heart stop loving them. I’ve let God take over and trust that he will protect my heart while still allowing me to love, fully love, the people he puts in my life.

So how do we tap into that? How do we switch our definition of love over to Gods definition of love? I believe God has called us to love all of his people. No matter what. Unconditionally. And I think in order to fully grasp the concept of Unconditional love, God’s love, we have to pull away from the notion that love is just a feeling and a word. We have to redirect our thinking and realize love is an action, love is a lifestyle, love is God. Love is a part of us, not just something we say or feel. God loves us unconditionally, right where we’re at, so I will continue to love his people the only way I know how. No conditions attached. 

Start a conversation! How would you describe unconditional love? Have you ever experienced it? Do you have any suggestions on how to live it? How to make it a lifestyle rather than just a word? Please share! And if you like what you're reading, please share my blog and go like my writing page on Facebook at Jessica Page.