Empty Words

 I got really upset the other day when a good friend of mine had said “I wish I could help” when I was explaining how much I was struggling with something, with life in general really. “I wish I could help” something so simple and on the tip of so many tongues and yet, for me, it just set me off. I was having a really rough day, rough year if we’re being honest, and that phrase just hurt, for some reason it cut deep. Especially coming from someone close to me who has, and most certainly can, do more than just wish. Telling me, someone who felt like I was drowning “I wish I could help” was like blowing a dandelion over the water as I sunk beneath the waves. It was empty words. They meant nothing to me. I continued to drown.

I’ve had this problem with other words as well, and maybe you have too. “I’m Sorry” is a huge one. If someone apologizes over and over again, but still makes no effort to change the behavior they are apologizing for, then it’s meaningless. It can even get to the point that hearing the words “I’m sorry” can feel like a twisting of the knife. Trust has been lost and you just know the cycle is bound to repeat itself. Hurt is once again around the corner.

“I love you” is another big one. I’ve discussed this one before. Several times actually. Sadly “I love you” is misused more than any of us probably care to admit. Most of that is because it just becomes the thing to say whether we actually mean it or not. Some of it is also because, for some reason beyond my understanding, we only have one word for love in the English language where other languages have two, or several, to explain what kind of love they are discussing. Unfortunately the most common misuse of the word, making it meaningless, is saying it but not doing it. Love is an action. Saying “I love you” right after a big fight is fine, but going right back at it the next day, proving that love is far from true and unconditional, makes the words meaningless. Not only do they become empty of any real emotion, they become a form of manipulation. Someone tells you they love you of course you want to believe them. Even as they hurt you once again.

Then there are people who say “I’ll try” and then never make the effort. Or they tell you they’ll meet you but then stand you up. Saying “I forgive you” then continuing to hold whatever it was they supposedly forgave you for over your head. Promising to do something and then forgetting or just not doing it. In short, not keeping their word. And if we can’t manage to keep our word, something we almost have complete control over, then what does that say about us? Well it basically makes us liars since we’re essentially making promises we have no real intent on keeping. This goes the other way too. Not making promises because they know they can’t keep their word. That’s just as bad. “I’ll try” starts to compute in your head as “probably not, I just don’t want to hurt your feelings.” The words lose their meaning. They’re empty.

Words have meaning. They have action. They are anything but empty. I wasn’t upset with my friend for saying he wished he could help me. I believe he truly did wish he could help me. But at the time a wish was useless to me. It was empty words that made it seem like he was giving up before even trying. While in reality him just texting me good morning, telling me to get out of bed even as I complained, or sending me a song he likes to listen to when he’s stressed, was helping. He didn’t have to wish. He was helping by just being himself and doing what he had been doing all along. “Help” became an action rather than just a wish.

“I love you” is an action. “I’m sorry” is an action. “I forgive you” is an action. They aren’t just empty words. Don’t let them lose their meaning by misusing them. Keep your word. Mean what you say. And fill your words with all the emotion and action they deserve. Every word you say should be far from empty.

Makes Sense

Something I’ve learned recently is that God doesn’t let me do things that make sense. He never really has. I get ideas in my head that make little sense to others; yet all the sense in the world to me. He continues to push me to challenge what “makes sense” in society and make my own path, his path.

Does it make sense for a girl who’s afraid of being on her own to consider being a military wife? Does it make sense for a guy and a girl to be as close as brother and sister yet only be just that, like siblings, no romantic interest? Even though it guarantees a constant battle of correcting people who think you’d make a lovely couple. Is it worth it? Is it possible? Does it make sense to go down to a Caribbean island and volunteer to teach swim lessons? Even as that very job is deemed “unessential” despite the fact learning to swim is one of the most important skills you can have. Does it make sense to pursue hobbies like writing rather than a career? Even though it makes little money, but is it worth it just for the happiness it brings? Does it make sense to spend countless hours writing little inspiring messages on tags and putting them on ducks just to leave them in random places? Just to bring a little smile to someone’s face? Is it worth the time?

Is it worth it? Does it make sense? No, according to society most things I do don’t make sense. But that’s where God keeps putting me. In the places that don’t make sense. Maybe it’s because I’m willing to go. Maybe it’s because I have such an imagination that I believe the smallest things can make a world of difference. Maybe it’s because I don’t just try to see the best in people, God shows me the best in people and then puts me in the position to help pull it out of them. We can’t all do what makes sense. There have to be those who are willing to challenge the social norms and do what God believes is worth it. After all, most of what Jesus did on earth didn’t make any sense either.

Did it make sense for Jesus to hang out with the drunks and the prostitutes? Everyone thought it was below him and that he was crazy. Was it socially acceptable for him to be friends with women yet not romantically involved? Probably not but he was. Did he have to feed people when they were hungry? No, but he took a little and made it feed the whole crowd. Did it make sense for him to walk on water? No, someone walking on water is far from normal. Did it make sense for him to take just as much time on little miracles few people would see as he did on big showy ones? Did it make sense for him to travel the world and preach and tell his stories rather than stick to his career of being a carpenter? Did it make sense for him to spend time with the children? Weren’t there more important things he should be doing? Jesus was constantly challenging what was considered normal in society. He broke down barriers by doing something as simple as showing kindness to those considered beneath him, to something as complicated as performing miracles that baffled our feeble human minds.

Why do we let ourselves get stuck in a box, confined by what society decides makes sense? Why do they get to decide what makes sense for us? They don’t. God does. And what that is might be different for each of us. So yeah, maybe it doesn’t make sense for me to pursue writing rather than a real job. But Jesus was a storyteller too. Maybe it doesn’t make sense to crochet my little critters, but Jesus knew the importance of reaching out to the children just as much as the adults. Maybe it doesn’t make sense to be best friends with people of all genders and ages, but Jesus loves all of us so why shouldn’t we? Maybe it doesn’t make sense to work so hard to ignite just a spark in someone, but Jesus leaves behind the 99 to find the 1, so why shouldn’t we? Challenge what you consider normal. Find what makes sense for you, not what society deems acceptable. Break down the barriers because they were put there by humans, not by God. Be more like Jesus - he didn’t make sense either.

Even Better

 

I was talking to a friend a while ago about boundaries and improving ourselves and we ended up on the topic of drinking. I don’t drink but I have lots of friends who do and this piece of advice got stuck in my head.

Don’t drink to make your day better, only drink to make your day even better.

Meaning don’t expect a drink to make all your problems go away, instead use it as a way to enjoy the life you already have. That way it’s less likely to become a crutch and an addiction and instead something you can just enjoy as it is meant to be.

It occurred to me today that this philosophy can be used for a lot of other things too. Mainly our search for our future wife or husband. Yup, my fellow single people I’m talking to you (including myself, trust me I struggle with this too) I end up in this conversation with a lot of different people. Discussing the misconception of when you find “The One” they will “complete you” like it’s a missing piece that you won’t be whole without. The idea that you’re your best self when that other person is there so there’s no way you can be that person without them. So why try? However, that way of thinking can be incredibly unhealthy and unproductive.

Don’t date someone to make your life better, only date someone to make your life even better.

So, let’s break that down shall we? Don’t date someone to make your life better.

Don’t date someone just because they make you happy in the moment, or give you the ambition to keep your house clean, or stop that nasty habit you’ve got. That is an unfair burden to put on them. Right from the start you are putting them in a position of being your savior rather than your partner. Yea, we all come into a relationship with baggage and things to work through, but to come into it expecting them to be the one who finally gets you through it is an unfair expectation. God is the one who is meant to help you through it. Can your other relationships inspire and support you through that change? Of course. I believe God puts people in our lives for that very purpose. But God is ultimately the one you should be asking for healing.

Only date someone to make your life even better.

EVEN BETTER. Well, in order to make your life even better your life has got to be good already right? Now that’s not saying your life is perfect and you have no issues. Instead I mean that in a way of where you are headed. Are you headed in the direction God has called you to go? Or are you still finding yourself wandering off? Are you growing into the person God wants you to be? Or are you still not sure who you are? Are you wrestling with some demons? Or do you have that under control? Are you still ignoring your pain or are you allowing God to heal you? If you aren’t secure in who you are then why would it be a good idea to bring someone else into that? Especially if they don’t know who they are either. Not to mention if you don’t know where you’re going then how do you know their path even leads in the same direction? I am a strong believer that if you are on the path God wants you on, and are making strides to be the person He has called you to be, then in His timing the person you are supposed to be with will end up on the same path as you. Your life is pretty good (not easy, good) if you’re where God wants you. Only then would having someone else enter the picture make it even better.

So, where are you in your walk? Are you growing into who you are supposed to be yet? Is it possible that the reason you haven’t found the right one yet is because they are where God wants them to be but you’re not? Or vice versa? My advice to all you fellow single people out there is this (take it or leave it) strive to be the best version of yourself you can be. All the time. Deal with those issues you’ve been struggling with and let yourself heal. Make yourself better for yourself and for God, don’t wait for someone else to do it for you. Walk the path God has for you and let Him decide when you’re ready for your life to get EVEN BETTER.

Sit With You In The Dark

 

The snow falls and the darkness descends on yet another day. Christmas is over, this year is nearly over, and for the first time in my memory, I find myself not looking forward to the coming year. Afraid that if I get my hopes up it will jinx any hope of brighter days. I came into this year believing it would be a year of change, a year of truth, a year of opened eyes and new hope. And in a lot of ways it has. And I held onto that hope, even as it became a mere thread in my fingers. But it becomes exhausting clinging to a thread. Your hands cramping, your heart jumping every time you think you’ve lost hold. But I tried time and time again to put a smile on my face and pretend everything was ok, urging my light to shine brighter for those around me because I knew that they had it worse than I did. They needed my light and positivity more than I did. I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t deserve to even let my light flicker because I had it better than most. But that didn’t make my challenges any less real.

You know that saying “the grass is always greener”? Well, as it turns out, it works both ways. Just as you shouldn’t always be comparing your lawn to someone else’s greener and seemingly better one, you shouldn’t compare it to a browner and seemingly worse one either. Always reminding yourself that at least you’re better off than someone else isn’t helpful. There will always be someone who’s got it worse no matter what the circumstance. And if no one was allowed to be upset unless there was no one else who had it worse than them then we would all have to be happy all the time. And you know as well as I do that, not only is that impossible, it’s also not fair. It disvalues your feelings and challenges when they are just as valid as anyone else’s. Because it’s ok to be upset. It’s ok to realize that something that’s easy for others may be the biggest challenge of your life for you. It’s ok to let your light flicker and just sit in the dark sometimes.

I have always been seen as the ray of sunshine, the positive one when things are falling apart, the one who’s always got a smile. I’m realizing that that’s a huge expectation to live up to. I’m not always going to be positive and there are things that are harder for me than for others. I have things I struggle with just as much as anyone else. I can’t be a light for everyone all the time and it isn’t fair to expect me to be. The harder I push to make my light shine, the harder it is to be genuinely happy. It turns into just a front. An act. And it’s exhausting. Especially in a year that just keeps hitting you when you’re down, as I know it’s done for every one of you too.

So as this year comes to a close, please take a moment to reflect. Reflect on how you’re feeling because your feelings are valid. Your challenges matter. You can’t just ignore them. Take a moment to reflect on who you’ve been relying on for their light and who’s been relying on you. If you can’t hold them up right now because you too lack the strength to stand, be honest. Be honest with them and yourself because a fire out of wood won’t burn for long. And if you’ve been leaning on someone, make sure they are ok too. Because even though they look like they’re always burning bright and therefore must be just fine, chances are they’re almost out of fuel and they feel as I do. Afraid of leaving you in the dark so much that they convince themselves their own challenges are small and unimportant in comparison to yours, even as their flame is suffocating in a lack of oxygen.

Sometimes we can’t be the light for each other. Sometimes we can’t be the one to add to their flame because our own flame is flickering too low. And that’s ok. It’s ok if instead of encouraging each other you simply acknowledge that you are both struggling and just sit beside each other so you know you’re not alone. Because sometimes, sometimes it’s enough to just sit with each other in the dark.

 

"When you can't look on the bright side, I will sit with you in the dark" ~ Unknown

Photo By Emma