I Fell In Love Once

I fell in love once. I don't know if it was real love or not because I had never fallen before or since, but it certainly felt real at the time, as most things often do. And then… Well then I had my heart broken.

Now, if you've followed my blog or know me personally you would know that I don't date. So how did I fall in love AND have my heart broken without dating? Let’s just say life doesn't always go according to plan. My head said if I didn't date I'd avoid heartbreak. I would wait patiently until God showed me the guy I was going to marry, and yes, I'm still waiting. But my heart had other plans and did what it wanted without my permission. Technically I never "dated" him, but try to tell your heart to stop falling in love once it already starts falling. Especially when you're not totally sure you want to tell it to stop. I quickly learned that the harder you fall, the more pieces your heart breaks into when the one you've fallen for fails to catch you…

We were friends before my heart got ahead of itself. Our friendship was something special and I wouldn't trade it for the world. He pushed me in ways I needed to be pushed and had a way of calming me down when I was overreacting (which I often do.) He was sweet, and charming, and drove me crazy all at once. And through our friendship he helped me realize who I was and who I wanted to be; and now I am becoming that person. Ironically, after he has disappeared from my life.

Through the whole experience I learned how far I was willing to go to follow God's plan for my life, even if it scared me. And trust me, thinking I might actually end up with a guy in the military scared me to death. That was not a plan I would have chosen for myself. I am... o.k. was... not that kind of girl. And no, that particular plan didn't work out at the time, but I know now that whatever plan God does have for me in the future, with His help, I will be able to handle it. I was ready and willing to take on the challenge if that was what God wanted for me, and honestly, I am stronger and more independent now just from thinking of it as a possibility. I am truly grateful for that.

I also learned to really listen to God, even when He was saying something I didn't want to hear. The last thing I wanted to do was walk away. I didn't want to be the one to let go of this friendship simply because it wasn't fair for either of us that my heart decided to be at war with reality. But the battle was tearing me to shreds and I knew God was telling me it was time to walk away. So I did. And I learned that I am stronger than I thought I was because that was one of the hardest things I had ever had to do. I continue to grow stronger every day and have come to fully believe that with God's help I can handle anything.

And after I walked away, I learned what it meant to hurt that much. If you've ever suffered from heartbreak you know how painful it is, mentally and physically. You wish you could rip your heart out of your chest so it would just stop aching, you wish your mind had an off switch so you could get some sleep, and you wish your stomach would hold more ice cream because maybe one more scoop will make you feel better. It took me a long time to get past the worst of it, and trust me, it was excruciating pain. But without pain, there can be no healing. And sometimes healing is what it takes to find who you're supposed to be.

Without that hurt, I wouldn't have had the joy of knowing what it feels like to be healed by God. I learned to trust that God would heal my heart when the time was right. And He most certainly has! It has been an amazing feeling over the last couple years, especially the last few months, to literally feel God slowly but surely putting the pieces of my heart, and my mind for that matter, back together again, stronger and wiser than ever before.

When you're in the middle of something as painful as a broken heart it's easy to think nothing good could ever come out of it. But, looking back from several years later, I wouldn't change a thing. I would not be the girl I am today without it, and I like the girl I am today. I changed, I matured, and I learned things I couldn't have learned otherwise. I learned who I was and who I wanted to be. I learned to listen, to trust, and to allow God to heal me.

I had my heart broken once. I tried to avoid it, tried my hardest to keep it from happening, but now realize I couldn't stop it. It was bound to happen eventually I'm sure. And maybe, just maybe, that's what God had planned all along. Life doesn't always go as we plan. We can't avoid every obstical, every heartbreak. But maybe we're not supposed to. Maybe those painful situations are what God uses to mold us into the people we are supposed to become. Maybe He uses them as a way to get us to go to Him. Becasue He is the only one who can mend a broken heart and He is the only one who will never break it in the first place.

I had my heart broken once, and then God put it back together stronger and wiser then before so that, when the time and guy is right, I can fall in love.

Tipsy Moose

"There's really nothing you can do about it, it's a tipsy moose." It was purely by accident, the two phrases strung together completely by chance while driving with my family last weekend. It sparked a fit of hysterical laughter for all in the car at the time. At first I thought it would just be one of those misspoken phrases that would give us a laugh but then we'd move on, but the more that I think about it the more I realize the saying rings true.

There's really nothing you can do about a tipsy moose. It’s far too big for you to take care of on your own. It’s a moose for goodness sakes! They’re huge! And he's tipsy! What on earth do you do about a tipsy moose without getting crushed in the process? There's really not much you can do, so the saying began popping up in our conversations.

There are some situations that you simply can't do anything about. All you can do is get out of the way without getting hurt. If it's as big as a tipsy moose, this might be more difficult then it may sound. Perhaps you can laugh at the situation because, admit it, sometimes even a problem as big as a tipsy moose is laughable. Once you get out of its way that is. After all that all you can do is hand the dilemma over to God to correct. The only one big enough to deal with a problem like a tipsy moose would be God himself after all.

The world is full of tipsy moose situations. In fact, I’ve already used the phrase to explain many situations that have come up in the past week alone. Problems so big we can't handle them on our own. Things that you just can't do anything about but pray for God to fix them for us or through us. Because without God’s help, we are sure to get stepped on. And I don’t know about you, but I’d rather not get in the way of a tipsy moose…

 

Tipsy Moose drawn by my amazing cousin. If you want to check out her spectacular artwork go check out her Facebook page Seventh Hall

25 Outfits Of Christmas

"Are you an elf?" a lady at the bank asked. I giggled "no, I dress like this every day of December." I was in Santa knee high socks, a white skirt, a red blazer, and a Santa hat. Cheery and fully in the Christmas spirit. It's something I've been doing for a few years now, dressing full out Christmas every day of December up till Christmas.

Some days, especially days when I'm just staying home, I ask myself "why am I doing this? do I really have to get dressed today?" And, as I've been told by some friends, my outfits can get a bit... overwhelming... when seen every day. Or that they simply run out of complements, there's only so many variations of saying "fun socks" one person can come up with. But then I remember I'm not doing this every day for them or even myself.

I'm doing it for those strangers in the bank, putting a smile on their face. The kid in Walmart who points and says "look mommy, an elf!" Or the lady in JoAnn’s buying Christmas socks as a gift for others but is too afraid to put on her Christmas hat for fear of looking strange. Or for the little girl in Hobby Lobby who smiles at my Christmas Minnie Mouse ears. Or for the Santa in the mall who gives me a friendly wave, renewed hope that there are still some people out there full of Christmas Spirit, even as the line for a picture is short.

It's for every stranger, every child, every friend, and yes, even me, for the days when the Christmas spirit is just a little hard to find. Maybe I can be the one to change that. If I put a smile on one person’s face today I did my job. Isn't that what Christmas is all about? Christmas makes me so happy I think I'd burst if I didn't share this joy God has put in my heart with everyone I meet.

Don't be afraid to let your light shine. I let it shine through my outfits and friendly smile. Hmm… maybe I am an elf after all… How will you spread the Christmas Spirit this year?

Costumes And Characters: Mary Poppins

Last year I shared a blog series about the different characters who make up the chapters of my book, my life. Well, here’s the next one. Mary Poppins. It started last October when I decided to dress up like Mary Poppins for Halloween. I had the whole outfit just perfect, she is “practically perfect in every way;” after all. I even had the kids in tow. They were my aunt and uncle’s foster kids. And the fact that I was dressed as Mary Poppins turned out to have more hidden meaning than I realized.

These particular kids had been with us for about six months at the time, and every minute of it was an adventure. We certainly had some “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” moments, which was good because “a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down”-the memories being the sugar, the medicine being that we would have to say goodbye. The goodbye came that same day as it was the day they went back to their mom. It was hard to let go. To tell you the truth I don’t know that I ever really did, or ever truly will. And that is why this next character is Mary Poppins. Because I am coming to realize being a nanny and doing foster care aren’t all that different from one another.

Mary Poppins comes into a broken family to show them what they are missing. The foster family takes the children into their home when the parents become unable to care for them. Mary Poppins shows the children love and teaches them the balance between fun and responsibility. The foster family shows them love, gives them structure, room to grow, everything they need while their parents figure out their lives.  Mary Poppins cares for the children while nudging the parents in the right direction until the family learns how to do it on their own. The foster family takes care of the children, but it is up to the foster care and the court to determine how to help the parents and decide when they have proven themselves. When they determine they have, they send the kids back, leaving the foster family behind, sometimes to never see them again. Mary Poppins teaches the family how to be a family, and then she must leave. Though it breaks her heart to see them go as she lets the wind take her away, she must leave. And that is what makes the story of Mary Poppins very much like foster care.

Mary Poppins is a nanny. A nanny who I am sure has cared for many, many children and who must then leave those same children, perhaps to never see them again. Nevertheless, she must do her job and be there for them in their time of need. She knows she must leave when the job is done, yet she does it anyway with joy and grace. Something I am trying, and failing, to accomplish. Foster Care is technically a job, and some people do it for the money I’m sure, every system is corrupt. However, for some people the “job” is to be there for those kids, even when they know it’s temporary.

After those kids had gone back to their mother I started having a new approach when it came to the kids who came to stay with my aunt and uncle. I did everything I could to make sure they were happy and healthy, while still knowing this may be short term. Treating it like Mary Poppins would. Teaching them, loving them, giving them tools they’d need for the future, all while knowing I may never see them again. It wasn’t easy, still isn’t, but I have learned to use every moment, every adventure, as a way to better prepare them for whatever troubles lie ahead, just as Mary Poppins would.

Mary Poppins is “Practically Perfect in every way” and I am far from perfect. Especially since, “practically perfect people never permit sentiment to muddle their thinking,” and sentiment is always muddling my thinking… However, it is clear she is saddened by her leaving the children, so I suppose even Mary Poppins is still only human (or Time Lord as some may suggest). Still, despite my emotions often getting in the way, there is hope for me yet. Mary Poppins is also quite fond of order yet knows when and how to have fun. Now that is a balance I am getting the hang of!

It is a delicate balance of giving these kids all my love without losing myself in the process. Between knowing when to be stern and when all they need is a little love and a little fun. Knowing when to hold them close and when it is time to let go. Giving them the tools they need to conquer whatever troubles lie ahead and help them grow into the amazing people God has called them to be. I don’t know how Mary Poppins does it. How she manages to love, teach, and leave these children time and time again. Though, I would imagine having friends like Bert to lighten your heart, a loving yet stern outlook on life to keep you balanced, and a little magic along the way wouldn’t hurt… I suppose it’s time I find some magic, or a Bert, of my own… It looks like I’m going to be in this Mary Poppins chapter for a while…