I’ve been putting off writing a
blog post about our current situation for a while now. Honestly, I don’t even
know where to begin. I guess all I can really do is start with the truth. I
think a post I saw the other day kind of sums it up quite nicely.
We’re all in the same storm, but
we’re not all in the same boat.
It all started while I was still in
Roatan Honduras. My trip hadn’t even officially come to an end yet. I still had
a week left before I was supposed to leave when the news started coming in that
there was a problem. I had been completely oblivious to the whole thing. I was
on an island, right where I was supposed to be, doing what I was supposed to be
doing, having one of the greatest adventures of my life. Why would I watch the
news?
I had a mental breakdown the week I
left. If any of you remember my Costumes And Characters posts from a while
back, the Mad Hatter in me has grown in the last few years, and not in a good
way. When I get overwhelmed I start shutting down. I get overly emotional on
one extreme or another; anger, sadness, giggly for no apparent reason, and I
can switch from one to another at the drop of a hat (pun intended) It can be
really exhausting actually… I’ll spare you the details of this particular
mental breakdown.
So, I made it home. I’m still not
sure if coming back to the states when I did was the right decision, but after
self destructing in the airport and threatening (under the guise of joking) to
get off the plane, there was no going back. I was leaving my new island home
and island family behind, not knowing when or if I would ever see either again.
And that, on top of everything else that was going on, was not sitting well
with me once I made it back to my home in Central NY .
“What is the purpose of today?”
Quickly became a recurring question. Was there anything I could do today that
would help someone? Could I be the support my friends and family truly needed
when we were so far away? Why bother getting dressed if I wasn’t going
anywhere? Why does it keep snowing? If I didn’t get back to work or on
unemployment would I ever be able to fix my car? Why was I even getting out of
bed? And why does everything hurt?
My muscles hurt from the sudden
lack of exercise and drastic change in climate and my head from the changing
weather and constant worry. My mind hurt from the mental strain of being stuck
in my own head, worrying if I missed out on a once in a lifetime opportunity by
not staying but, at the same time, knowing there was nothing I could do about
it. And my heart hurt from leaving loved ones behind and not being able to see
anyone once I got here either. And my emotions were doing back flips again from
not being able to do anything about any of it. And if I was in this much pain while
having a roof over my head and food on the table, how were people who do have
serious mental problems coping with this?
Usually I only have what I call a
Mad Hatter level breakdown once or maybe twice a year, and only when I’m not
careful to catch it and slow it down fast enough. But at the rate my mental
health was dropping I was beginning to fear two in a matter of months, and I
didn’t want to know what it would take to recover from something like that. Being
suddenly cut off from what my life had been for the past three month on the
island, plus the lack of social interaction and any sense of “normal” once I got
home, was wearing on me. HARD. None of my normal ways of coping and slowing it
down were an option. Usually I would go for a swim, or visit a friend, go
shopping, or go for a walk. None of those options, for one reason or another,
were possible. I was stuck in my house, left to find company within my own
mind, which is not somewhere I want to be when headed towards a mental
breakdown as it only speeds up the process. Thankfully I occasionally had my
family to distract me from myself, I couldn’t imagine what would happen if I
was living on my own, I’d go mad.
My mental health may not have taken
quite as hard of a hit if I had stayed on the island. I could’ve gone swimming,
and seen the sunset every night, and pretended everything was ok in that Island
Ignorance is Bliss kind of way. I could have handed out food and helped those
in need. I probably would be a lot further in this book I’m supposed to be
writing instead of hitting a total mental block. But I’m not. I’m here. Doing what
I can to help and praying that God will use me right where I’m at.
It’s taken a while. A solid month
at least. There are still good days and bad days and some really bad days, and
I won’t rule out a total Mad Hatter breakdown just yet, but I think I’m finally
beyond the worst of it. Thanks to God, my sister, and a few close friends. I
don’t really know what my point in writing this is. Perhaps it’s to help people
realize that everyone is handling this differently. We’re all in different
boats. For some it’s a much needed vacation and family time. For some it’s life
as normal as they continue to go to work or are retired. For some the fear of
not being able to feed their families far outweighs the fear of the virus. For
some, the isolation is their worst nightmare come true. For some, seeing people
in need and not being able to give them a hug is the worst pain they could
imagine. For some, the virus in their own mind is worse then the one we’re all
afraid of.
So what is the purpose of today? To
be sensitive. To be supportive. To be there in whatever way you can. To be
kind. To be a light in the darkness. To be at peace knowing God is in control,
and to share that peace, no mater how your situation compares with someone
else’s. We’re all in the same storm, but we’re in different boats. Let’s try
not to splash more water into someone else’s as we try to bail out our own.
