The snow falls and the darkness
descends on yet another day. Christmas is over, this year is nearly over, and
for the first time in my memory, I find myself not looking forward to the
coming year. Afraid that if I get my hopes up it will jinx any hope of brighter
days. I came into this year believing it would be a year of change, a year of
truth, a year of opened eyes and new hope. And in a lot of ways it has. And I
held onto that hope, even as it became a mere thread in my fingers. But it
becomes exhausting clinging to a thread. Your hands cramping, your heart
jumping every time you think you’ve lost hold. But I tried time and time again
to put a smile on my face and pretend everything was ok, urging my light to
shine brighter for those around me because I knew that they had it worse than I
did. They needed my light and positivity more than I did. I didn’t deserve it.
I didn’t deserve to even let my light flicker because I had it better than most.
But that didn’t make my challenges any less real.
You know that saying “the grass is
always greener”? Well, as it turns out, it works both ways. Just as you
shouldn’t always be comparing your lawn to someone else’s greener and seemingly
better one, you shouldn’t compare it to a browner and seemingly worse one either.
Always reminding yourself that at least you’re better off than someone else
isn’t helpful. There will always be someone who’s got it worse no matter what
the circumstance. And if no one was allowed to be upset unless there was no one
else who had it worse than them then we would all have to be happy all the
time. And you know as well as I do that, not only is that impossible, it’s also
not fair. It disvalues your feelings and challenges when they are just as valid
as anyone else’s. Because it’s ok to be upset. It’s ok to realize that
something that’s easy for others may be the biggest challenge of your life for
you. It’s ok to let your light flicker and just sit in the dark sometimes.
I have always been seen as the ray
of sunshine, the positive one when things are falling apart, the one who’s
always got a smile. I’m realizing that that’s a huge expectation to live up to.
I’m not always going to be positive and there are things that are harder for me
than for others. I have things I struggle with just as much as anyone else. I
can’t be a light for everyone all the time and it isn’t fair to expect me to
be. The harder I push to make my light shine, the harder it is to be genuinely
happy. It turns into just a front. An act. And it’s exhausting. Especially in a
year that just keeps hitting you when you’re down, as I know it’s done for
every one of you too.
So as this year comes to a close, please
take a moment to reflect. Reflect on how you’re feeling because your feelings
are valid. Your challenges matter. You can’t just ignore them. Take a moment to
reflect on who you’ve been relying on for their light and who’s been relying on
you. If you can’t hold them up right now because you too lack the strength to
stand, be honest. Be honest with them and yourself because a fire out of wood won’t
burn for long. And if you’ve been leaning on someone, make sure they are ok
too. Because even though they look like they’re always burning bright and
therefore must be just fine, chances are they’re almost out of fuel and they
feel as I do. Afraid of leaving you in the dark so much that they convince
themselves their own challenges are small and unimportant in comparison to
yours, even as their flame is suffocating in a lack of oxygen.
Sometimes we can’t be the light for
each other. Sometimes we can’t be the one to add to their flame because our own
flame is flickering too low. And that’s ok. It’s ok if instead of encouraging
each other you simply acknowledge that you are both struggling and just sit
beside each other so you know you’re not alone. Because sometimes, sometimes it’s
enough to just sit with each other in the dark.
"When you can't look on the
bright side, I will sit with you in the dark" ~ Unknown
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| Photo By Emma |
